At the Beginning of a New Year…

So I haven’t written in quite some time.  I was doing so well with my workouts and had reached the 3/4 point when we moved to a new house.  It’s interesting that once we moved I went down 2 more sizes though I only lost 5 lbs. and I wasn’t “working-out” formally.

When we first moved into the house, because of extra repairs that had to be made, we were short the money that we were planning on using  to have the house re-painted and re-carpeted.  So I started saving the blue envelopes that come in the mail to get the carpets all cleaned.  When I figured out that the price of having the carpets done professionally would be the same cost as buying my own steam cleaner, I thought “why not get a steam cleaner?  I have two hands.  Then I’ll always have it.”  So crazy little me, I bought a steam cleaner the day we closed on the house and the next day with my baby in one arm, cleaned 1,200 feet of carpet.  Luckily, I changed arms once in a while so that one of them didn’t fall off.  It was while I was cleaning the carpets that I realized something: whoever the last occupant of the house was, sure didn’t clean (maybe never) and didn’t have any reservations about putting pin holes in the walls.

So, for the past two months,  I have been worrying about spackling and painting walls, vacuuming carpets and mopping 1,400 feet of tile.  I am far from finished but I have the worse rooms in much better shape.

Now I’m wishing that I had paid better attention to my body and my diet.  Yes, I’ve lost a little weight and a couple of sizes, but I feel guilty about letting my goal slide.  I’ve been debating just picking up where I left off and give myself an extension or starting over.

I think I will give myself an extension, but I think I also should just pat myself on the back and just be proud of myself for keeping at something—even with a hiatus.  It’s not like I haven’t been working anyway!  We all need a little forgiveness now and then so I’m going to start out the New Year with not a “Do-Over” but with some forgiveness and a “I Can Do It” attitude.

Besides, exercise is a goal that should be on-going, not a, “You blew it and now you have to start all over again!” kind of a thing.  It’s a gradual lifestyle change that can change you from the inside out. 

I’m still going to keep up my home improvements  this year, but I’m going to try just a little harder to work on my self improvements as well.

Chocolate Tempation

Yesterday, I was sharing a bit of leftover chocolate with Christian (that I was hoping to get rid of). After we had finished what I had unwrapped, Christian turned to me and said in a frustrated tone, "Ya know mom, Chocolate is kind of bad because it just makes me want more and more!"

I couldn't agree more!
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I've got some good news and some bad news...

Well, the good news is that we are now looking to become homeowners! Hurray! I've waited seven and a half years for this!

The bad news is that my dearly loved sewing machine has bit the dust. Of course it happened the week that Jared's friend commissioned me to make some things for her new apartment. So, I went out the other day and just got a basic model Burnett sewing machine frome the Bernina store. The nice thing about it is that I can trade it in at a later date and upgrade to a nicer machine. Another nice thing, is that I get to take classes for free to help me understand my machine, plus free service for a year! Can't top that!

I also have been a very good girl and have worked out very consistantly and I am almost 50 less than I was at my heaviest (during the throngs of pregnancy). Not too shabby...especially considering I only gained 35 lbs during my pregnancy.

I think working out has just become much more of a part of my life than just some annoying thing I have to do every day (or at least should do). I love goals....they really do help me feel like I'm achieving something rather than wondering aimlessly. What are some goals that really have helped you feel like you're progressing forward?

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Feeling Thinner…and Feeling Awake

Yesterday was a good day.  According to the lack of sleep I’ve had in the last 10 days or so, it was almost strange that I felt so great.  But you know what?

I Feel Thin!  And it Feels good.

I don’t necessarily look any different than I did last week.  I don’t even weigh any less.  But I feel good in my skin. 

What a relief!

I haven’t felt this way since Christian was two-and-a half and I was student-teaching which was two years ago.  I like it.

The most interesting thing about how I feel is that I have had an awful cold for the past 10 days or so and so have both of my children.  I have not slept so little since Vivian was a month old.  It’s times like these when I want a mommy of my own to come and take care of me…to bad my mom is 700 + miles away.

I had no motivation so I only exercised 3 times this past week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.   The week before that I was feeling my motivation slipping away and only ended up exercising four days that week instead of my initial resolve to exercise five and make it to 20 day in the month.  I only reached 19. 

I was feeling pretty mad at myself about this but I realized that I need to cut myself some slack.  I don’t need to let my self totally off the hook,  but I do need to be proud of what I do accomplish.

At least I didn’t stop exercising all together and call it quits.  Now I’m wondering if my giving myself more days to rest and recover has helped me actually feel better.  I’ll need to ponder on that.  I do know that after I met Jared and stopped running 5 miles almost everyday and instead played tennis every few days I actually started losing weight faster.  Who knows?

Anyway, I enjoy this “thin feeling”.  It might just be a state of mind or something.  I don’t know.

I was reading in someone’s blog last week that they didn’t feel good about themselves when they didn’t look good physically.  And because they had gain about 20 some-odd pounds they felt like they looked lazy.  This really upset me.  I know I was taking it somewhat out of context, but made me realize that this person for some reason associated “extra weight” with “laziness”.

Honestly, I don’t think that because someone has extra weight on them they are lazy.  Some of the most busy, hard working, selfless people I know are overweight by a little or even a lot.  I don’t think that makes them lazy or even look lazy.  Besides, how can we judge how lazy someone is by their appearance as long as they’re clean?  Who knows if they have been pregnant and had medical issues that kept them on bed rest or grew up in a family that made them “clean their plates”, or told them that children in Africa were starving so they should eat everything given them.   They might be trying their very hardest to lose weight and have made amazing strides.   How can I know that just by looking at them?  I can’t.  Sometimes though, I do wonder if they might be too tired to care about exercise or perhaps they have a medical issue that they don’t know how to deal with or perhaps they are too tired to work on even trying.

I know that I have been tired.  So very tired and walking in a haze during certain parts of my life that all I could manage was to make sure I took care of the basic essentials of hygiene (showering,wearing clean clothes, etc) and survival (eating, drinking etc) on top of the other things I had responsibilities towards (such as taking care of my son).

I know that I do feel better about myself when I take the time to exercise, I know that I look better too.  My skin is clearer and more supple, my muscles are more defined, I don’t feel as though I jiggle as much, my mind feels clearer, and most importantly, I am less tired!

I know it’s really difficult to get started exercising, but that’s the hardest part and after you do it you feel so much better and your body thanks you in so many ways.  I’m really proud of myself for not stopping exercising this week even though I felt crappy and unmotivated.  It reminds me of something my sister’s art teacher used to say “Everything has to have an ugly stage”.  Because these last 10 days have felt like a major ugly stage.

It was such a surprise to wake up yesterday and feel thin and happy after nights and nights of little sleep.  I attribute it to keeping up the exercise even when it was drudgery.  Thank goodness I didn’t throw in the towel because I feel thin, I feel strong and I feel awake!

Lack of Motivation

I have no idea what is wrong with me!  I have absolutely ZERO motivation to workout this week!  Maybe it’s hormones…who knows?  I have been continuing my schedule and I’m on workout 17 today but I really don’t want to do ANYTHING!  Maybe it’s because it does take a chunk of productivity out of my day and is a sacrifice.

Hopefully this drudgery feeling will pass and I’ll get back into being more excited about my workouts so that I can enjoy them.  Maybe I just need to switch things up a little and find something new to do to get my body moving…

Faith Affirmations

A girl from the hypno-babies group forum asked for some “Faith Promoting Affirmations”.  I put together a list of them.  The first ones are referenced to scriptures in the Bible and the next group are directly related to either The Proclamation on the Family, or other LDS scripture.

 

 

Faith Affirmations

From the Bible

My baby has a divine nature and destiny.

(Jeremiah 1:5)

My baby is a heritage of the Lord

(Psalms 127:3)

I have the power of love and of a sound mind

(2 Timothy 1:7)

I will be patient

I am doing God’s will by giving my baby life

(Hebrews 10:36)

I will have Faith that my baby’s birth will be beautiful

(Hebrews 11:1)

Every good and perfect gift comes from God

(James 1:17)

My baby is of a chosen generation

(1 Peter 2:9)

God’s divine power gives my baby’s life

(2 Peter 1:3)

My baby is a child of the Lord

I am a child of the Lord

(Deuteronomy 14:1) (Psalms 2:6)

God makes me a joyful mother of my baby

(Psalms 113:9)

My baby is pure and beautiful

(Matt 18:3)

God is my strength and my power

(2 Samuel 22:33)

I am full of power by the spirit of the Lord

(Micah 3:8)

From The Proclamation on the Family and other LDS resources

My baby is created in God’s image

My baby is a beloved spirit child of heavenly parents

My baby has chosen to receive his or her body

I have been chosen to be this baby’s mother

The creation of my baby’s mortal life is divinely appointed

I have been given the solemn responsibility to love and care for my baby

I have been given a sacred duty to love my baby

I have been given the sacred charge to provide for my baby’s physical and spiritual needs

I am responsible for the nurture of my baby

Because of Eve’s great choice, I can have my baby and my baby will bring me JOY

(Moses 5:10)

I need not fear for I am the Lord’s

(Doctrine and Covenants 50:41)

The power and goodness of the Lord is over all the inhabitants of the earth

(1 Nephi 1:14)

Jump back in!

I am very proud of me.  I worked out 6 days in a week the first week of August and 4 days last week before we headed out of town.  That is 10% of my goal!  Not too shabby.

I was pretty much dreading getting back into my exercise routine last night as we drove in from UT (it’s about a 12-hour drive with all the stops we have to make with two children).  But this morning, I got up before Vivian and got right to it.  Man, I’m proud of myself.  That is one of my biggest set-backs—going out of town.

I figure if I can work-out at least 20 times this month I can reach my goal with no problem.  Planning seems to be helping me stick to it.  Wish me luck :).

Time to Plan!

As we left town this weekend, I felt like I was losing my mind, being unable to know what to plan for in the future.  If you know anything about me, I have to plan or it makes me crazy!

We had been told by the people in UT that they would get back to us in the middle of the week.  Well, it was the end of Thursday and I was going crazy with the anticipation.  So, I begged Jared to call them as I started the drive out of Phoenix.

He didn’t get the job, though she told him he was a strong applicant.  I’m so relieved to know.  So, Jared emailed the people who gave him the offer in Mesa to accept.  They emailed him less than five minutes later to say how excited they were to have him.

I’m so glad.  I’m glad to know that Jared has a job to jump right into as soon as he’s done with his internship at the end of August.  I’m so grateful that I will not have to rush and move somewhere, that Jared can take public transportation into work until we can move closer.  I have friends here that I won’t have to leave.  We can sign Christian up for Soccer with the same program we already have used. I can find a preschool for Christian, I can find more students, I can find a violin teacher, I can get my piano back soon! 

I’m happy!

It would be nice to be closer to family, but as it is, the drive to UT isn’t too long and if we’re making more than we were previously, we can probably fly up a couple times a year.  It will be okay (as long as I get to see snow and mountains sometimes).  It’s not exactly what I want, but I can be content for now, knowing we’re we’ll be for a while and being able to put down a few roots.

Hooray!  I can plan!

Challenge: Let Motion Be Your Lotion

Today was day 7 of my 100 day workout challenge.  I have to say…I love the way my arms are getting more definition in them.  It’s nice.  I mean, they’re still far from perfect, they are pretty much relief society arms, but I really can see a difference.

I like that I picked 100 days because it makes figuring out percentiles easy.  I’m 7% done with my goal.  It may seem small but if I exercise three more times this week I’m already 10% complete with my goal and I will still have five and a half months to complete it.  I like that.

About the time that I decided I was going to challenge myself to 100 days of exercise in 6 months I started having problems with my left hip “sticking”.  I’d be sitting down on the sofa doing something and then I honestly couldn’t stand up without being in tremendous pain because my hip didn’t want to unfold itself.  Not only is it a pain and painful, it makes it really difficult to help Vivian when she needs me.  It also makes me feel like an old lady—I’m only 28 for crying out loud!

I think it’s probably because A). Because of my scoliosis, my hips are not turned out evenly  and though my surgeon tried to  pull them out a little more and make them more even, there was only so much he could do.

B). Is because I had a baby less than a year ago and my body has not quite recovered yet.

I realized that it happened on the days when I didn’t do my kick-boxing videos but I had done my aerobics videos instead.  I wondered if there was perhaps a correlation with getting my hip stuck and not kick-boxing.  So I tried an experiment and it’s true—my hip doesn’t stick on the days I kick-box.

I told my younger sister this and she thought it was interesting and told me of a saying she’d heard that’s “Let motion be your lotion”.  I guess it’s true in my case, because the days that I exercise are the days when I feel the best physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Even today, I was really dragging my feet to workout but once I was finished, I felt refreshed, awake and ready to start a productive day.

I think our bodies are made for motion and when we deny them that motion, they complain and make us feel worse and then we think we can’t possibly move because we feel so crappy.  Once we do start moving consistently we feel better—inside and out.  Maybe exercise really is a little oil in the joints that we need to avoid creaky hinges.

Challenge…(day two) Kicking and Kids

I started my counting of work-out days yesterday since it was the first Monday of the month, I figured it would be a good day to “officially” start.  Honestly, after working out at least every other day since the beginning of June, it wasn’t some magical or painful thing to do :).

My favorite workout to do at the moment is kickboxing.  Honestly, it probably is because it makes me feel no-nonsense, tough, strong and powerful.  Another bonus, for me in particular, is that kickboxing is supposed to be done in an upright position and doesn’t involve twisting of the spine (something completely impossible for me).

Okay, this may be annoying, but it’s time for a commercial…well kind of, it’s really more of a recommendation…

My favorite kickboxing workout is on the Kathy Smith Cardio Knockout.  It’s the second workout on the DVD (the first workout which is aero-boxing,  is, at the moment, rendered impossible for me to do because it takes a pretty high level of aerobic fitness and jump-roping for over 75% of the workout…I’m just not quite there yet).

Anyway, the kickboxing workout on this DVD is awesome… At least I feel awesome when I do it. 

I love that they go over proper form with the punches and the kicks in the intro and have reminders during the workout of what good form is.  Another nice thing is that they go over each move slowly before they speed it up.  There’s also a great leg section at the end of the workout that I really like where you practice the kicks slowly.  I love that each day I do this, I can actually see my legs shaping into something more sleek and powerful looking than they ever did before.  It’s pretty encouraging!  There’s also a great ab workout on this DVD that does not have any crunches!  Hurray for me!!!  (I have a full spinal fusion for those of you who don’t know so no bending for me)….besides, who really likes to do crunches?! My baby belly has stopped doing that hang-over thing and is starting to look just poochy instead of poochy and flabby.

The point is, I love these workouts.  It’s a good thing to love what you do…especially if you have goals to do whatever thing a lot.   If you haven’t tried kickboxing, I highly recommend it.   Besides, it works more muscles than running thus burning more calories.  Plus, it’s fun (especially once your kicks start getting higher).

On a similar note, I’ve decided that though it can be a little hard to motivate myself to do workouts at home (or in general), it’s probably a pretty important thing for my children to see me exercising.

When I was growing up I thought exercise was just for people who want to lose weight.  I didn’t realize that fitness was actually a part of being a healthy whole person.  I do want to lose weight, but I also want to be a whole, healthy person.  Exercise really is part of being a whole healthy person.

I hope that my children seeing me exercises  will help them learn and understand that exercise is just a part of a healthy lifestyle.  Something that is important to do consistently throughout life and with a moderate level of enjoyment. 

Values are the most easily taught through examples.  Just talking about something doesn’t do much to influence others—it’s actions that inspire.  Talking helps but no one takes anyone seriously who just talks the talk and can’t walk the walk.

One of the things I like about this whole working out at home  is that Christian has made it his goal to remind me everyday that I need to exercise.  He also joins me in the cool downs and the ab exercises and then tells me what a great job I did that day.  How’s that for motivation?!  I love my boy.

So, hopefully in conjunction with  my own improvements, I’ll help my children with their own out-looks on exercise and health…that’s one reason to smile during a workout!

Challenge…

First thing, I’d like to announce that happily, to date, I have lost 40 lbs.  since having Vivian 7 months ago. 

That means that I’m actually 7 lbs less than I was before I got pregnant with her.  Of course, I did end up about 58 lbs heavier at the end of my pregnancy with her than I was before I first got pregnant with Christian. Thus, I have at least 18 more lbs that I’d like to lose and if possible more than that… But despite all that.  I’ve about 2/3 of the way to my goal weight. Wahoo!

Sadly, I still do not fit my old clothes that I could wear when I was seven lbs heavier before I got pregnant with Vivian.  They are still too small.  Dang it.  I guess I’ve kind of re-constructed my hips and ribs from being pregnant but they will (hopefully) go down and I am getting a lot closer.

If anyone’s interested in how I achieved my weight-loss since last I posted about this, I’ll tell you. 

Diet:  I had every intention of being on the South-Beach Diet, but that never quite worked out.  So, instead of beating myself up with a diet, I just cut out sweets except for once a week.  I actually have a thing for chocolate so I have a bar of high-quality very dark chocolate that I let myself have one square of if I feel desperate for it.  I figure it’s better that I have something with anti-oxidants in it than something that’s just purely sugar. :)  With my meals, I try to make sure that I have enough protein to keep me full and twice as many vegetables as protein.  I haven’t cut out carbohydrates like bread, rice, pasta and potatoes but I have do try to keep these proportions small (I do have a four-year old who is learning what is healthy by watching me and I need to be a good example).  I do not eat food that is ready-made (cold cereal doesn’t count) as a rule though once a week, I let myself have something from a restaurant, fast-food, deli or even a take-and-bake pizza.  As far as beverages go, I limit juice or soda to once a week, and only drink water or rice milk the rest of the time (I’m lactose intolerant, otherwise I’d be drinking regular milk too).

Exercise:  I started out exercising with a video three times a week.  This worked really well until about a month ago when I was just not losing any weight so I decided to up the frequency and go to four times a week.  This really helped me feel like I was accomplishing something.  That’s why two weeks ago I started exercising five times a week.  Holy Cow!  I feel fantastic!!!  I promise, I’m not just saying it!   I’ve been exercising three days, resting one, exercising two and then resting one.  It’s the days that I’ve rested are actually the days when I’m more tired, have less energy and feel just not as great.  It seems so ironic that I feel better when I’ve worked out than not. 

This brings me to the other thing that I wanted to write about.  It is the concept of  “challenge”.   As I’ve have the opportunity to be the mother of two human beings, I’ve been able to observe their development and how one moves from one skill set to another.

For example, from the time Vivian was about 3.5 months old, she would do little crunches.  Anytime you’d lay her flat on her back she would push with her little abdominal muscles with all her might and get her head up and  try to sit.  After a few weeks of this, she had gained enough strength to roll over.  After a few more weeks she figured out that if she rolled in succession she could actually get somewhere.

Now she can sit up straight for an indefinite amount of time once she’s put in the sitting position but she’s not quite to getting to the sitting up position on her own.  What do I find her doing all of the time?  I don’t know what else to call them but oblique exercises.  She lays on her side and does side kicks while she crunches in a side-ways manner.

All this observation has made me realize that:

1. One must challenge  themselves to get to a goal

2. It takes consistent trying to achieve any goal.

When I first started working out consistently, there was no way I could put as much energy into the moves as the person on the video.  There was just no way, I didn’t have the speed, strength or agility to do so.  That was okay, as long as I kept on trying.  Each subsequent time that I use a particular video, I try to challenge myself to do various moves with a little better posture, a little better form, and/or a little more energy the whole time while smiling (to try to convince my subconscious that this is supposed to make me feel good) and imagining my muscles getting stronger. The results have been remarkable!

As I finished my workout today, I realized, I wasn’t tired.  I felt great.  I felt energized, strong, beautiful and accomplished!  It didn’t feel like drudgery or something boring that I had to do.  I feel amazing!  I looked in the mirror today and realized I’m liking the way my shoulders are becoming more defined.  I’ve never really noticed that before.  It feels awesome!

I’ve been talking to my sister about this for a while, but I’m going to do an 100 days of exercise challenge.  I’m going to do 100 days of working out within six months.  I’m hoping to be able to do it closer to four months than six, but I’m going to give myself a little more time allotment just because I may be moving in the next couple of months, sick days sometimes happen and what can I say, life happens!  So, for the next few months I’m going to be challenging myself to be very consistent in my workouts.  These are my rules/guidelines to make sure that I can keep this up.

1.  Workout at least 20 minutes to count (preferably 10 minutes warm-up 30 minutes workout and 10-minutes cool down).

2.  I can count any kind of exercise whether it be yoga, Pilates, kick-boxing, dancing, running, weight-training…etc) as long as I do cardio 3 times a week.

3.  No excuses about fitting in my exercise.  I am a stay-at-home mom who has two children begging for my attention, but if I make exercise a real priority, it really can happen.  I can wake up before they do, let my 4-year-old join me while the baby sleeps, do it while they both sleep, or fit it in once my husband gets home.  That’s four options!  I really have no excuses do I?

4.  Remember this is about me.  This is about me taking care of me.  Not me trying to look like so-and-so.  This is me teaching my children to honor their bodies and see that it’s an important responsibility to take care of the body we’ve been given.  It’s about being my best self.

So, if anyone out there  cares, wish me luck.   I’m excited to see/feel how I will be when I’m finished with my 100 work-out challenge.

What shall the future be like…I wonder?

The last well, year, I’ve been really wondering what is going to happen.  Go figure.  I followed Jared out here into the desert, where there are no “real” mountains to wait out the year until he gets a job.  Of course, a job is a job.  You have to have a job to keep a family comfortable.   You also have to go where the jobs are available to have a job.  After going to school to get a graduate degree, nothing could be more silly, in my opinion, than to not at least try to get a job with said degree.

Well, Jared has basically interviewed all over this area, as well as in Oregon.  He actually has an interview in Utah that they are flying him out for tomorrow.  I am hopeful for this one more than any of the others, but that has more to do with selfish reasons than anything else.  I’m also filled with trepidation.

I have decided, after much thought, that wherever Jared wants to be is where I want to be.  Each job he has interviewed with is pretty diverse and it will be up to him to chose one he will be happy with.  I really hope that he takes a job in the place that God wants us to be.  As I’ve sat and pondered places and weighed the pros and cons of each…I have to say that I really have to trust Heavenly Father to put us in the place that will help our children bloom and grow to their full potentials—not only mentally, but spiritually as well.

I’m honestly nervous that we may be able to move back close to family.  I love my family.  I actually am almost crazy in my interest for their well-being and the interest I take in their lives.  That’s one of the big problems.  Not all of my family is all that interested in my life.  It is actually pretty painful to me.  Dang it.  I hate being a sensitive person, though I must say it’s better than being insensitive and unemotional. 

Of course, not everyone is this way, it’s just those in our family who are more concerned about being right than being kind to such a degree that they feel an obligation to shun or mock me for my varying perspectives—or just plain ignore me.

When we went to Utah at the beginning of the month, I had a real eye-opening experience as to who really even cares about me and my immediate family.  Let me just say that I have some wonderful, wonderful friends.  I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has been so benevolent in giving me such loving caring friends…who though they know I love to talk, sometimes to the extreme, are willing to take time out of their lives and show me that they love me just by talking to me.  It really means a lot.

Thankfully, I also have some incredibly sweet extended family members who were very kind to us and seemed delighted that we had taken the time to drive 700 miles to visit.  It really touched me especially that someone acknowledged the effort it took when some of the closer family did all they possibly could to avoid me.

That is the real problem.  Apathy.  I have some family members that were in my opinion, just plain thoughtless or to put it more bluntly cruel.  People who when I approached them and tried to be friendly and talk to them, because no one besides me was around to witness their rudeness, completely ignored me right as I stood there in front of them.

What have I done to deserve such treatment?  Do I want to move back to a place where I’m reminded of how much apathy members of my own family treat me with when all I have ever tried to do was be their friends?  It really hurts.

I also don’t want such feelings to hurt my children if we end up moving back.  If people can’t give you the time of day to at least be courteous, why should I waste my time being with them when I’m only going to go away feeling this deep painful pressure in my chest that can only be called heart-ach?  It seems incredibly ironic to me that those who strut around in their righteousness and their church callings often are the least Christ-like people of all.

After the first night when we were at my cousin’s wedding, it was only my aunt’s words of appreciation that kept me from going straight back home.  I was so happy to see everyone, but the treatment I got made me feel like an absolute fool for coming.  If we move back to Utah, I may opt out of family affairs and just see those family members who are considerate human beings with my time.

Do I want to move back to Utah?  I don’t know.  I want the good influences that our families can have on the children, but I don’t want the negativity from the ones who haven’t learned to be truly loving.  I want the support I can get from some but I don’t want the cruelness from the others.  Choices, choices.

It may be that after tomorrow, Jared doesn’t get the job so all my worrying will be for not.

Who knows what the future holds?

Daily Priorities...

The last month or so, I've been doing incredibly well at making exercise a priority. I am really proud of myself. I read in the book "Finding the Angel Within by Pamela H. Hansen that when the LDS Prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckely was interviewed once and was asked what were the most important things he did each day. His answer was scripture reading and exercise.

I find this so interesting. After a lot of pondering on this I have realized the wisdom of this. There are so many things to do each day, it is easy to get buried in them: Cleaning, cooking, laundry, feeding children mulitiple times a day, scripture reading, exercise, meal planning, church callings, errands to run, classes, friends and family to contact,....besides things that are "non-essentials" such as TV/Movie watching, reading, computer use, recreational activities such as going to the zoo and the park, crafting, scrapbooking, sewing...etc.

Life can get so complicated! I feel a headache coming on just thinking of all there is to be done. Of course prioritizing is an important part of this. What should our priorities be? As a mom, the needs of my children do come first. Of course it is easy to let their needs take first priority and for me to become so bogged down in them and their needs that I completely ignore my own needs. Not a healthy option. When Christian was a baby and quite unhappy (colicky maybe?) I was so desperate to make him happy that I didn't pay much attention to my needs and got pretty lost/confused/depressed because I wasn't really doing anything for me unless I was desperate.

Healthy children are born with the the natural instincts to help them get what they need. They cry. They cry when they need something; anything. They are not concerned about anyone else's needs. They are immature; Physically, mentally, emotionally. As they grow they learn to put others' needs ahead of their own and about delaid gratification. Some of us become better at this than others. Of course moderation in all things is a necessary ingredient to learn in life, otherwise we can let everyone else's needs become first and not take care of our own needs which is unhealthy; especially long term.

I decided that the easiest way to prioritize is by figuring out what the most important things in my life are. In my opinion, it's spiritual growth. On top of that, the whole reason I have life is because of my body, so I need to take care of that too since it's the vehicle that will carry me through to the end of my life.

It's silly for people to expect their cars to last for years and years without much thought to matainance other than adding gas regularly or the occasional oil change. Tires need to be rotated, air filters changed,...etc. It's the same with our bodies, if we don't take care of them, they aren't going to perform at the top capacity. They may still get you where you need to go but the ride may not be as smooth. It's the same deal with our bodies, they need nourishment, exercise, to be clean and sleep to be healthy.

I have spent so much of my life fighting my body. Wishing that it looked differently, that I didn't have the maladies I do. I have also experienced moments of triumph with my body, moments when I reached the top of a moutain, finished a race, completed a goal, maxed at 110 lbs on the bench press, held a yoga pose for 10 minutes, and gave birth. Those have been some of the most rewarding days of my life! I need to stop worrying about what I can't control and take responsibility for the things that I can. I can be a strong woman even if I can't be a tall slender one. I can be a loving mother that teaches her children how to become loving human begins. I can become spiritual strong through meditation, prayer, pondering and scripture study. I can do amazing things if I don't let all of the other little things in life crowd out what the most important things are.

That is why I'm trying to follow President Hinckley's lead and try to prioritize wisely and remember to take care of my spiritual and physical needs first. And what easier way than by daily exercising and scripture reading?!

What I've Learned...

This past weekend was my birthday. I am now realizing that my time-lines never work out just the way I think. Oh well. You live, you learn. Thus the reason I am posting today. I been contemplating about how much I've learned throughout this year. This has honestly been one of the most different years of my life. I have been pregnant, had a appendectomy, moved to a new state with a new climate, and had a baby and gone on six(!) trips this year. It's been very eventful in some ways and almost mundane in others. I know for sure this is a year I will never forget. Thankfully, along the way I have learned some valuable lessons. I may have learned some of them already and had to re-learn them, and I may have to remember them again. I thought I'd share them so perhaps (hopefully) I'll just remember.

1. Do not allow what you think other's think of you to stop or stifle your development.

2. It's not fair to others for me to be unforgiving or have preconcieved notions of what others can or can't acheive or what or who they are as a person.

3. It doesn't pay to avoid learning experiences that may be difficult. That is what gives us the highest sense of acheivement.

4. Life is short and precious, you never know when someone is going to leave; embrace them as well as each moment you've been given.

5. Family is everything--Let them know how you feel--use loving phrases as much as possible. It never hurts to show love; it only hurts to withhold love.

6. Even if you do not agree with others and/or their behaviors, the most important this is that you love them and encourage them to be their personal best.

7. Disagreeing is human; forgiveness is divine.

8. We were put on earth to become masters of ourselves.

9. Take time for physical and spiritual development each day; exercise and read scriptures daily for true strength.

10. Emotions are important. Be aware of them. Express them. It is important to recogize that they are emotions though and only a small glimpse of reality. Do not let them rule you by giving them too much stock.

I may later write a blog about each item if I get in the mood to explain myself.

Will it ever end?

WARNING: Personal venting session ahead

I am about to go absolutely CRAZY! We have yet to hear back on the job we're the most excited about and I feel so frustrated. I know Jared is frustrated too but at least he has job to help keep his mind off of things. It doesn't help that I'm sooo lonely for female friends down here in the hot place. If I didn't have kids to worry about I seriously would consider some wrist slashing. I really feel like my life is at a dead-end and I've been damned. I am such a planner with nothing long-term to plan for I feel insane. Two weeks of waiting may seem small but to my limited perspective it seems endless.

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Happy Feet

Of all of the things I don’t prefer about myself.  I love my feet.  My feet are consistently the best looking things I’ve got.  The only time in my life that they have hurt my appearance was when they got swollen while I was pregnant with #2.

One reason why I love my feet is that they are pretty easy to maintain.  All you have to do is keep them clean, take care of nail length now and then and they look great.  I never think “man, these toes have got to shed a few pounds or they’ll never squeeze into my shoes again”. 

On the contrary, they pretty much stay a consistent size as apposed to my hips and thighs (which by the way are still slightly too big to fit into my regular clothes).  This is why I love my feet.  And because I love my feet, I show them I love them by “putting a little paint on the old barn” so to say.

 

I love having my toenails painted.  I personally think that painting one’s toenails is one of the most easy pick-me-ups available to woman-kind.  You can pick any color you like plus a little patience and magically you can have flirty, fun toenails that make you feel young and pretty all for the price of a bottle. 

Of course you can pay for someone to give you a  pedicure.  That is an indulgence on a whole other level.  I have never felt so pampered than the one time I got my toenails done by a professional.  It was a valentines gift from my sweetie.  I actually went in feeling really silly and vain about the whole thing but I left feeling so fabulous about myself.  Seriously, it seems a little silly but the thing that makes me feel pretty faster than anything else is a little paint on the old toenails.

Since having Vivian, I’ve tried to always keep my nails painted…I only have to do it every other week or so and it makes me feel special…even if my feet aren’t always showing…I know that there is something cute in hiding…even if it’s not my thighs.

Quick Bite!

Okay, so I have a problem with feeding myself....it's not that I don't like to eat. I do (that's a different problem I have). The biggest vice I have to eating healthy is that most days I'm so busy feeding everyone else around me that I leave me for last. By that time, I'm so dang hungry or desperate for a quick bite that I eat whatever is closest at hand which can be anything from Christian's half eaten sandwhich, to tortillia chips in the pantry, or yes, I have to admit the semi-sweet chocolate chips in the bag stashed out of Christian's reach.

I really do have every intention to eat something healthy and have a great breakfast in the mornings but by mid-day my resolve needs a little bit more shove.

Today I came home famished after taking the kids to the park and then on an errand. I had fed them at the park but to be honest pb&j is the thing I eat if I want to gain weight so I waited until I got home. Both kids went down for naps and I felt almost dizzy with hunger (I wonder if this happens to anyone else or if I just have a blood sugar problem). Anyway, I opened the fridge and was debating on eating totillia chips that were out or pb&j. Then I realized that in my fridge, smiling up at me was a bag of pre-washed ready to eat spinach. I grabbed a bowl and poured in a little spinach, pre-cooked bacon, feta, and some chickpeas. Ta da. A healthy lunch that was faster than any pb&j!

Lesson learned: keep your produce close to eye level in fridge!

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Limbo Land

Jared is finally graduated! I'm so relieved. Being in school has seem to take forever but in retrospect it seems to have flown.

Now all we need is a job to go to. Jared has been looking in SLC but openings are scarce because nobody really wants to move from UT. He has applied in upstate NY, Southern Oregon, Maine, and AZ. We've been researching the locations and if we can't be in UT, Oregon sounds the most appealing to me The crime rate is low the housing market is reasonable, there are 216 growing days, it hardly freezes....sounds like paradise!

Now all we have to do is wait. Jared has a phone interview with Maine today so we'll see how that goes. I hate not knowing where we'll be. I'm such a planner, if we knew then I could start house-hunting, looking for preschools, and figure out transfering my licensure.

Ahhh! Please everyone pray for us. That's pretty much all I can do right now. I just hope that we can be in a good place to raise our kids....at least for the next five years or so.
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Something healthy, easy and delicious…

I’ve been meaning to post this recipe for a while as it is one of my favorites and is really healthy.  When we lived with the 93-year-old woman who’s son and DIL were on their mission, part of the deal was that we have Sunday dinner together every week and then have the same thing for Monday night and then have a weekly game of scrabble.  She made the salads which was really great because I honestly hate to chop.  It has something to do with being a klutz and needing my fingers intact to play the violin…  So anyway, she introduced us to some very interesting, some very boring and some delicious recipes in the 18 months we lived there.  This recipe is by far my favorite one that she shared (I honestly am addicted).   I changed it around a little (as I do almost everything I cook).  What I really like to do with this is double it and have it for dinner and then for lunch the next day.  For those of you on diets, this is full of protein, fiber and good oils.  Bon appétit. 

 

White Bean Tuna Salad

2-3 Servings

-1 can white beans rinsed and drained well (or you can use dried that you’ve soaked overnight and boiled for at least an hour though I usually do two).

-1 can tuna  (Preferably Italian in Olive oil)

-1 cup of parsley, fresh, chopped (or to taste I usually only do about 1/4 cup)

-1/4 cup finely diced red onion (green onions are good too and then you only need 1-2 chopped)

Dressing:

-3 Tbs olive oil

-2 Tbs lemon juice

-salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Rinse beans in colander until no foam appears.  Let drain, pat dry  with paper towels.

2. Drain oil from tuna and discard; put tuna in mixing bowl.

3. Add beans chopped parsley, onion, and gently combine.

4. In small bowl, whisk olive oil and lemon juice.  Gently mix dressing into salad.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.

5.  Will stay good in refrigerator for a day or two.

Fright Night...

Last night was one of the most frightning of my life. I woke to a woman screaming from the alley behind our apartment that separates us from another complex! As I woke I realized that she was begging someone to "GIVE ME BACK MY PURSE!!!" I ran to the window and looked out into a foggy blackness and realized I couldn't see much (I had forgotten my glasses in my haste to see...ridiculous I know). I saw the shadow of a truck or SUV racing away as I woke Jared and asked him to look. I gropped around in the dark for my phone. In the vehecil's hast to leave the hit an on-coming car and left the scene like a coward.
The man who was hit jumped out of the car and was trying to talk to the screaming woman who was yelping and wouldn't say anything but that she was scared. Another man came out of one of the apartments and said the police were coming. I placed my phone back down and continued my silent vigil as the woman cried and the men stood around her begging for information.
The police finally came and put my mind to ease somewhat but I couldn't stop shaking.
For the next couple of hours I checked on Christian a few times and felt the need to pray a lot.
It's moments like these when I'm reminded how fragile life is and how vulnerable we all are. How important our families are to us and how much we fear for their safety. It makes me thankful for the power of prayer. Today as I sung "Sweet Is The Peace the Gosple Brings" in church, I couldn't agree more.

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20 Ways To Love Your Body….

As I was sorting through papers in the study/nursery/craft room I came across a hand-out from a Relief Society Lesson that was given in our University Ward where we lived when we were in Utah.  The hand-out is titled “20 Ways to Love Your Body!!” and it gives various suggestions of things to do to help you consider your body as a remarkable vehicle for life rather than merely a decorative thing to shun for imperfections.  At the bottom are references for the National Eating Disorders Association where this hand-out apparently originated from.  The girl who gave the lesson was in secretary in the Relief Society Presidency and she was a health and exercise science major who always would bring up the topic of healthy living.  She and I really could go on for quite a length of time in conversation on such things and I sometimes wonder: why didn’t I go into health and exercise science? 

Body issues are so interesting to me.  Perhaps it’s because do to my scoliosis I have had to deal with them at a younger age than some other girls and they still remain with me to this day.  Of all the things in this world, our bodies really are the most important things that we posses because without them we wouldn’t have life.  I remember one day in seminary when the instructor Brother Wilkinson showed us a video that said something about “You are not your own, you are bought with a price”.  The video showed the last days of the Savior’s life and I realized that no matter what I did I was accountable to the Savior for what I did to my body or allowed others to do to it.  That was the day I resolved that even though it might be nice to have a boyfriend and someone who liked me, it was more important that someone love me enough to take me to the temple even if it meant that I had to sacrifice having a boyfriend “just for the fun of it”.

I also came to the realization that the majority of vices are to mock, ridicule, or defile our bodies.  Pornography really is a mockery of bodies.  Eating disorders come from ridiculing and having unrealistic goals for appearance and/or the numbers on the scale or the measuring tape.  Drugs and alcohol can make our bodies have insatiable cravings that will never be met.  It is tragic that the one thing that can teach us control can also be lavished in such a way that we feel we have no control. 

Our bodies really are gifts and we need to treat them as such by taking care of them.  One of the biggest things I deal with as a mother is teaching my children how to taking care of their bodies: getting enough sleep, exercise, nutritious food, water and staying clean.  The cares of the body are of number one importance in taking care of children or anyone.  After that comes food for the mind such as reading, numbers, logic, and creativity.  I thought it was interesting when some missionaries who had served an inner city mission spoke in my parent’s ward when I was visiting and they said that their mission was to first take care of the temporal needs before the spiritual needs.

We came to earth for two reasons.  First, to receive bodies and second, to learn to return to our Father in Heaven.

Because sometimes it can be difficult to love our bodies all of the time…I’ve copied the handout so that you can have some food for thought:

 

20 Ways To Love Your Body!!

 

1.  Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams.  Honor it.  Respect it.  Fuel it.

2.  Create a list of all the things your body lets you do.  Read it and add to it often.

3.  Become aware of what your body can do each day.  Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.

4.  Create a list of people you admire: people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world.  Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments.

5.  Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.

6.  Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.

7.  Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.

8.  Count your blessings, not your blemishes.

9.  Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance.  Try one!

10.  Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy.

11. Consider this: your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months.  Your body is extraordinary—begin to respect and appreciate it.

12.  Every morning when you wake up, than your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.

13. Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.

14. Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly.  Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body.  Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.  Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.

15.  Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body.  Tell yourself you can feel like that again, even in this body at this age.

16. Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself—without mentioning your appearance.  Add to it!

17.  Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”

18. Choose to find the beauty in the world and in yourself.

19. Start saying to yourself, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way."

20.  Eat when you are hungry.  Rest when you are tired.  Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.

 

For more information, contact the National Eating Disorders Association at 603 Stewart St., Suite 803, Seattle, WA 98101

Information and Referral Helpline: 800-931-2237 or www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

copyright 2002 National Eating Disorders Association

Permission granted for duplication and reprinting for educational purposes given the Nation Eating Disorders Association is credited.

Looking Back on My Back Surgery

I can hardly believe it that this week marks the sixth anniversary of my two spinal fusion surgeries. (It's also the fifth anniversary of getting my surgeon's approval to get pregnant). It's amazing to me that time has flown by so quickly. Good grief I've had rods in my back longer than I was Jr High or High School aged! Incredible!
Of course I miss having the range of motion that I once had (especially at times like today when Christian wanted me to do a handstand). But overall, I am so thankful that I was able to have the procedure done and with such success so that I could not only breathe in the shower (big plus) but I could be pregnant without adverse effects on my lung capacity (which before surgery was 50%).
I had a check-up this past week and it turns out that I may have a piece of broken rod in the lower portion of my back but so far it's not causing pain so I just need to keep a close eye on it.
I am more astounded now than ever before at the trust that Jared and I put into Heavenly Father's hands that everything would turn out according to His will.... Of course I didn't rule out the possibility of death or peralisis and spent the months waiting for surgery putting together Jared's mission scrapbook together so that he would have evidence of my affection and desires for his happiness whatever happened. Thankfully all went well!
I am incredibly grateful that Heavenly Father led me to my surgeon and guided his hands to better my future!

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Maybe a little exclusive…?

Warning:  Personal venting session

So I got this invitation from some girls that are in the mom’s group in my ward.  It’s for an Easter Egg hunt.  It instructs each parent to bring their favorite treat to fill eggs with.  At first I thought.  “Oh how fun for the kids” until I read what was written on the bottom of the invitation which reads:

This hunt is for Children ages 0-2.  Older siblings may help younger siblings hunt but they will not be allowed to do so for the first 10 minutes.

Do you see any problems with this?  First of all, Christian is the only, and I mean the one and only child above the age of two that comes to the mom’s group so this means that they are basically saying that this hunt is really for everyone but him. Secondly, what about children (who are really babies) ages 0-1 having eggs filled with candy anyway??

I totally understand giving younger kids a head-start but honestly, it seems a little rude to put it that way especially on an invitation that is supposed to invite people to come to an event.  I really wish they hadn’t sent it to me at all because now I just feel excluded, annoyed and a little bitter.  This is yet another example of why I don’t feel that I fit into my the mom’s group in my ward…I am the only girl with two kids and my oldest is the only one over 2.  I feel like they like to make such a big deal out of Christian’s age when he plays great with the little kids and is really good at helping them and the other moms so it just makes me irritated.

Maybe I’m being over-sensitive but I really do feel excluded for reasons that would never even come up in any Utah ward I’ve ever been in.

Exercise, Over-Analysis and Hypnosis…

When I started my personal campaign to lose weight after Vivian was born I was stoked at first to begin ‘moving’.  I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me (which in fact it had) and I finally could move with a lot less effort.  It felt nice to not have a belly to hit every time I did any large movements.

Sadly the euphoric effects of having delivered a healthy baby with my own amazing body started wearing thin and I had a more difficult time staying motivated.  I started “over-analysis” of every workout I did.  I would be moving along with my video (since that’s what I find is easiest to use with two kids at home), and wonder why I was doing this or that and what was the difference anyway?!

This negative thinking started making my workouts feel more like drudgery than anything that could possibly be rewarding and my motivation lasted two days….then I realized something….I have been through this cycle before when I was in high school and an early morning “morning-side” speaker had the topic of “Enduring to the End”.  Not that enduring to the end is a bad thing, quite the contrary…but it was my attitude about enduring; that because I was merely enduring it was drudgery!

For example, when I was in P.E. in high school, the whole time I ran around the track I literally said “Endure to the End” in my mind to the rhythm of my slow jog.  Then I would look down at my feet and think “Gosh, I wonder how many of these measly steps until the end!”  “I wonder how I’ll ever get my pace up…maybe I’ll never get my pace up!”  I would get slower and slower with all of this over-analysis of what I was doing.

Then I read something about a runner who doesn’t run because she wants to lose weight or because she wants to win.  She ran for the sole purpose of “Feeling the strength of her body in movement”.  She wasn’t enduring to the end of each run…she was enduring well because she was enjoying just the simple act of “being in the moment” and not worrying about the future per se. 

It reminds me of a quote by Joseph B. Wirthlin that I have on a plaque in my Living room that reads “Come what may and love it.”

Some things do not seem possible to find the good things about them… such as I have rods in my back which make it so I can feel every storm system that passes by and I have limited movement which sometimes makes things a little tricky.  On the positive side, I can have children without dying of suffocation, and I can breath well in the shower (which I wasn’t able to do because of the steam being too thick before my surgery).  As a side note, breathing is good!

My point is that you can convince yourself of anything.  Either you can choose to be negative and paralyzed because of your mindset or you can choose to be positive and motivated because of your mindset.  My favorite high school teacher Mr. Wendel used to say “Never say Don’t because then you Can’t”.

The mind is such a powerful thing.  I really have learned this with my hypnobabies studying that your perceptions of the way things are has a direct link between how things will be played out.  I absolutely loved the affirmations C.D. that came with the hypnobabies course because it helped me think positive thoughts about childbirth and pregnancy.  This isn’t to say that your mind is so powerful that it can make things turn out perfectly for you—I still don’t make enough breast milk but I can rejoice that I have other healthy options for my babies.  Undesirable things happen to positive people too.   The point is that both positive and negative thinking are powerful markers for capability.

I know that people think aerobic videos are really really cheesy but I have news about them.  That cheesy positive attitude is motivating if you just let it be and don’t waste your energy feeling silly about it.  Confession:  I have this cheesy aerobic workout video that really boosts my motivation to work out and continue working out.  It’s the Denise Austin Fat Burning Blast.  During the video she says some lines that when I first got the video I was rolling my eyes about, such as: “Put a smile on your face, because we’re going to burn fat naturally by exercising!”  “If you rest you’ll rust” “Think strength”  “Think graceful” “Now have a little fun”.  They seem pretty corny at first but they actually are phrases that I think when I do other workouts as well which is good.

For one, when you smile during an activity, even a difficult one, your brain signals catch that and send out endorphins which make you feel happy about what you’re doing so you want to continue doing it more.

Secondly it helps you focus on the positives of what you are doing with your body and according to a Cleveland Clinic Foundation study that “for 15 minutes a day, five days a week, volunteers imagined exercising certain muscles as vigorously as they could.  After 12 weeks, the muscles had strengthened by as much as 15 percent… Visualization may send signals from the brain to the neurons controlling movement; the stronger the signal the stronger the muscles.” [Parenting, March 2010, p.22]

Besides all of the positive things that are said in workout videos I am of the opinion that when we exercise we are training ourselves to be under a certain level of hypnosis.  When I used to run three miles a day I realized that thinking about other things while running made my run feel so much easier than actually thinking about running.  It’s just like when you’ve driven to the same place everyday for a month and then one day you get there and realize that you don’t even remember driving there.

If I just do what I need to do (i.e. exercise) consistently and with acceptance and ideally excitement, (“I get to work out!  This is time for me that no one can take away”) that it needs to be done, it becomes a lot less of a drudgery.  Hooray for positive thinking!  I am virtually what I think about….whether it is negative, positive, cruel or benevolent.  It’s all in choices that I make whether consciously or not.

Here’s one of my favorite little mantras that hangs in my home given me by a friend who’s a life coach.

I choose

to live by choice

not by chance

to make changes

not excuses

to be internally motivated

not manipulated

to be useful, not used

to excel, not compete

I choose self-esteem

not self pity

I choose to listen

to the inner voice

not the random

opinion of others

--Anonymous

Hopefully I will keep reminding myself of positive things as I work towards my goals and never quit.  Because…

“Winners never quit and quitters never win”.

--unknown

Sizing Myself

So, I’ve been thinking ( a lot) lately that I would really  LOVE to be into my regular pre-pregnancy clothes.  I keep watching “What Not To Wear” (yes, this is how I spend my Friday nights) and I think… “Well, I could pull of that look with such and such that I have in a bin under my bed”….  I hate it that I have been so many sizes in my life. 

I actually have worn more sizes than I’ve actually been because I was so embarrassed by my body from about age eleven to seventeen that I would wear pants from the men’s section and incredibly large T-shirts for my frame in order to hide every single curve I might have had.  I am so glad that in my junior year of high school I started realizing that I should wear clothes I want to wear even if I might not have a perfect body.  I started wearing clothes that were actually my size, and started looking instantly smaller. 

Someone had mentioned that I had somewhat of a tummy when I was eleven (when I really just needed better posture) and I did all kinds of exercise programs to “get skinny” which never happened but I was in actually in pretty good shape. I just didn’t happen to have a pretty shape (due to scoliosis that never was diagnosed until my junior year).    Anyway, I would run around the track at the school, I’d run down the canal road behind my house, I would run everywhere that I could to get in shape.  I also weight trained and did kick-boxing.  By the time I was 20, I would run 3-5 miles 4 times a week, and alternate kick-boxing, yoga and weights on the off days.  I was pretty much a maniac.  The frustrating thing was during that whole time from sophomore year to the summer I turned 20 I never even changed sizes.  It was insane literally.  I could not get down past a size 12.

Around the time I met Jared, something magical happened I limited my self to one treat once a week (so anything sugary) and I started only working out 3 times a week.  I was having too much fun playing tennis with Jared and my running began to be substituted for tennis 2-3 times a week and I dropped all of my other workouts to be with him.  Starting at that time I started losing weight with almost no effort at all.  I was down to a size 10 by mid-July and an 8 by early September when he asked me to marry him.  I stopped working out at about that time because of the difficulty of mixing school with exercise and I miraculously fit into a size 6 wedding dress by October!

I pretty much tapered off on weight loss after that but I was incredibly comfortable with myself.  I think it’s because I could see myself as a worthwhile person who someone loved.  I wasn’t worried about what anyone really thought because I was so happy with my life and I had found a true best friend.  I was really in seventh heaven.

Fast forward a year and a half.  It turned out that I needed a spinal fusion from my sacrum to the bottom of my neck.  I was so sick after surgery that I lost about 20 lbs just from a lack of nutrition.  That was nice (in a way) but the doctor had messed with my hips to make them not have to move too much during childbirth and so I became permanently a 10 or an 8 in regular pants no matter how little weight I carried because that was my lowest weight in 20 years.

Fast forward two more years.  I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and my hips spread so much in one day that I went from a size 11 to a 16!  I got stretch marks on the side of my hips they spread so fast.

After having Christian, I slowly (and I mean slowly) went back to a comfortable size for me which was 20 lbs heavier than I started out pregnant with him.  Then we decided it was time for number two.  I steadily gained weight at an okay rate and then I had my appendectomy and couldn’t lift anything and so I gained 10 lbs in two weeks.  After that my weight gain was steady again but all-in-all I weighed 54 lbs more than I did before I ever got pregnant with Christian in the first place.   

Here I am just having had baby number two.  I watched an episode of “Martha” where her trainer mentioned that if you don’t lose the “baby-weight” within the first year after being pregnant, it will become doubly hard to get rid of the weight.  I started with the “’Special K’ Challenge”  and started working out the next day after seeing that.  I have actually lost 24 lbs since giving birth and I only need to go down another 10 to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight (from this time). 

The only thing is, I really would like to get back to the weight I was before I had Christian.  Will I get there?  I don’t know… It depends on how much motivation I can muster.  So, I’m continuing my efforts to lose 30 lbs but I’m going to post periodically about what I’m doing to lose that extra weight and maybe any fun healthy recipes that I may being using as well.

So far, I’m on the South Beach Diet and I’m doing some kind of aerobic exercise 3 times a week and some kind of strength exercise 2 days a week.  Hopefully I’ll stay motivated and get  to a place where I feel more comfortable in my skin (and most especially, my old clothes) as soon as I can (Maybe by Summer?!).

Feeling a little Lonely

I feel really guilty for the way I've been feeling. Lately, I feel really lonely. I have been blessed with resonable places to live but as of right now, I feel misplaced and I feel guilty because I know I should just be greatful.
I live 700 miles or so from where I've lived my whole life and all of my old friends and my entire family. It's not to say I haven't made any friends, but the girls I've met really aren't on the same page as me. I have the oldest child of all the girls (the next oldest is 18 months old compared to my 4-year-old), I'm younger than all but one of them, I'm the only one with two kids, and I like to craft and sew while non of them seem interested in such things. Most importantly, I don't feel like any of them are interested to invest time in building a friendship, at least with me. I know, whine, whine. I just feel like I don't belong.
I was so blessed at the University housing, there were so many girls who where interested in being moms rather than careers, and ready and willing to chat. All I had to do was walk outside to find someone to talk to. Where we're living anyone outside is outside to smoke which bothers me, so I spend my days pretty much hiding out indoors.
I am so lonely for female companionship I feel dumb about it. I understand that people are busy but I need to find a friend. I guess the real problem is the I've been so blessed with good friends in my life that when I don't I'm at a loss.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

The Painful Truth…

(Be warned, this is pretty lengthy)

Last weekend we went to the funeral services for my Aunt Susan.  It was actually quite healing in more ways than one.  I was really thankful for the opportunity to spend talking to my aunt Annette who helped me, whether she knows it or not, deal with something that has be incredibly painful to talk about since I had Christian.

When I had Christian I was all gong-ho to be the best mom I could possibly be for him.  I had read tons of parenting books and articles about everything related to parenting (not to mention all of the education and education psychology classes I’ve taken in my school carrier).  I was going to do everything right.

Things started out alright with my little boy, I gave birth they way I wanted to, and began nursing as soon as they placed him in my arms.  I had some of the usual problems with breastfeeding as we learned the how-to of latching and such, but really I felt like we were doing well.  The first few days went well.

Then Jared came down with the stomach flu.

The next day I came down with it.

Now, this was one of the worse cases of stomach flu I’d ever had but I kept nursing because that’s what every book you read says to do to protect the baby…and it must have worked because he never got it…but my milk took 6 days to come in.

I didn’t worry too much because he still had wet diapers and an explosive poop every couple days.  On his two week appointment I was freaked out to find out that he went from his birth-weight of 7 lbs 7 oz to be 6 lbs 2 oz. !!!

I felt like the most horrible mother in the world!  I had no idea I was starving my child and I felt terrible.

The doctor had me supplement with formula and come in two days later.  He was shocked that Christian had  put on a whole pound of catch-up weight, and I realized that there was really something wrong that I could nurse him for 30 minutes on the hour and he still needed formula to gain weight.  So after reading everything I had been given from the hospital about breastfeeding that promised that every woman can breastfeed. I went to a lactation consultant and rented a heavy duty pump.

This started my “pumping my life away” sessions where I would pump as often as possible after nursing Christian only to have maybe half an ounce fill the little bottle.  I read more and more and then decided that I just needed more pumping practice.  Poor Jared.  He was so patient with me.  I decided every spare minute was time for a pumping session.  I did it for probably six weeks.  We were watching “The Dark Crystal” on one of Jared’s days off when I was pumping and I realized that I was treating this like “the life essence” and it was draining the life out of me. 

Then I decided to get an SNS system which is a bottle that hangs around your neck like a necklace with little tubes that you tape to your breasts and the baby can nurse at the same time as they are getting their formula.  What a mess!  It was wonderful to bond with Christian but the whole formula dripping down my front when he’d let go was disgusting!  I actually kept this up for about four months and then decided I’d just nurse him and give him a bottle.

It was the best choice I’d made so far.

The funny thing was that Christian really loved to nurse.  I have no idea what my output was but he did swallow something and must have got something because he was the hardest little thing to wean.

So fast forward a few years to now.  After I had Vivian I put her to the breast right away.  She nursed like a champion with a great latch and everything.  Then she happily slept for two or so hours after she nursed.  Everything seemed perfect...  Until her three-day appointment when she’d lost more than 10% of her body weight.

The next few days were peppered with weight checks and supplemental formula feedings.  She never acted “bored” with breast feeding like the doctor expected her to with the added formula.  But she really did need the formula.

I asked my doctor to put me on this drug I knew caused lactation.  I started pumping like crazy.  I went to a La Leche League meeting…and then I realized…I was doing all of this stuff to make milk and if it wasn’t working the way everyone said it should there must be something going on.

The Reglan was making me apathetic to everything while just giving me a strong letdown and then nothing…and all I wanted to do was watch “What Not To Wear” when I couldn’t even put on my own clothes.  The pumping was making me irritated anytime one of the kids needed anything because I needed to pump for Vivian.  The La Leche League women made me feel like women who gave their children formula where comparable to the evil queen in Snow White, offering the poison apple.

I hated what was happening and the way I felt.  So I decided to ask Jared for a blessing.

It was the sweetest blessing I’ve ever received as a mother.  It said that Heavenly Father was proud of me and that he knew what my body was capable of doing and that what I could do and have already done was enough.

Honestly, it may sound silly, but I have shed more tears over this breastfeeding problem of mine more than anything else since I became a mother.  It has been so painful to me to hear women bash other women who don’t breastfeed their children or read pro-breastfeeding articles that talk about how ‘rare’ it is not to be able to breastfeed.  I would love more than anything to not have to worry about bottles to be washed and formula to buy and mix.  It sounds like a blissful dream to not have to worry about how much I need to prepare for the next feeding.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have hypoplastic breasts which I stumbled across the definition by the baby center one day when I’d been nursing Christian for quite some time. Supposedly only 3% of women have this problem.  The thing that really bothers me though is 3% is 3 in 100.  That’s not that rare is it?  It’s not like 1 in 60,000 or something like some of the diseases that they do the heel prick test for in infants.

Anyway, last weekend I talked to my aunt about my problem as I pulled out a bottle after I finished nursing Vivian and she was totally sweet about it.  I had to laugh when she talked about the “breastfeeding brigade” of women who act like giving your baby formula is close to sin.  It was also really comforting to hear that my grandma gave her children bottles soon after 6 weeks because she just couldn’t make enough.  I think my aunts and uncles are some of the most intelligent people I know so maybe women who don’t breast fed don’t have idiots for children like some things I’ve read would like you to believe.  She also mentioned that she’d actually read an article about women who didn’t make enough milk but didn’t want to ‘taint’ their children with formula and their children actually starved to death.

I am so glad I talked to her. My older sister has been telling me for the past month that it’s really okay that I can’t breastfeed exclusively and it’s really nice to have someone else say the same thing too.  It’s very painful that many times when I see women in my ward  they ask me how breastfeeding is going.  Honestly, isn’t that a little personal?  Most of the time I give them the truth but honestly, I feel hot tears pushing at the back of my eyelids every time I say it.  I know they mean well, but it’s a painful topic for me.

Really, I’m relieved that I have some idea of what’s going on with me.  I have decided that I just need to do my best and my best is not everyone’s best so I’ll just breastfeed and supplement until the day when either I dry completely or Vivian no longer has an interest.

It’s really the only thing I can do.  I wish things were different, but they’re not and there really is nothing I can do about it.  So, I’ll have my cry and move on and enjoy my babies by getting to know them for who they are not for what a perfect mom I can be to them.  Besides, the most important thing about being a mom is my children and doing the best I can for them.

Baby Love…

Christian LOVES Vivian.  I’m so glad though sometimes I wonder when some rivalry will pop up.   Christian keeps praying “bless that my baby sister will grow really fast so that I can play with her”.  It’s really adorable and I can see how frustrating it must be for him to have waited all this time to meet her and all she does is sleep and eat (well, at least she sleeps until Christian wakes her up).  Today I came in the room to find this…

I guess he decided that he didn’t need for her to grow up to play some games with him!

Hope in dark times…

I just found a paper with a note I wrote from something Elder Ringwood told us when he was released as our Stake President that is comforting when times get rough.

"During trials, covenants keep us endowed with power; and we will be given what we need when we need it."

Elder Ringwood then told a story about when his children were in Australia and were in a terrible boating accident, where they were hit by a boat when riding a water weenie, while he was away.  Afterwards the doctors thought that that they should be dead and one of them was given a blessing and in the blessing it was said that because of the covenants that their parents had kept that those children were preserved.

That story makes me want to be very good just to make sure that my children might have a little bit more heavenly help when they may need it.  I’m so thankful for the gospel that gives me strength when I need it.

The other day I was having a terrible time making an important decision that I really needed to make sooner than later.  Jared gave me a Priesthood blessing to help me know what to do and it really reaffirmed my conviction that Heavenly Father really knows me, knows what I’ve been through, and what I’m capable of.  That He doesn’t ask more than what I’m capable of because He can pick up the slack if I’ll let Him but it’s up to me to allow that to happen.  I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood that is available to each of His son’s and daughter’s if they ask.  I am also incredibly grateful that I was blessed with the best, most sweet, kind, patient,  and good husband in the world who is worthy to call upon Heavenly Father and offer the blessings He has for our family .  I am so thrilled that I can be with Jared forever!

There is nothing like the strength the gospel of Jesus Christ can give those who chose to follow him.  Though life is difficult, the hope the gospel brings to me is such a beacon in my life.  I hope that my children will understand the happiness that comes of trying to choose the right.

Ponderings...

So I've been trying to get into the natural groove of things. It's now been three week since I gave birth to Vivian and I still haven't taken the time to write down her birth story...

...apparently it takes awhile to write and recall 27 hours of labor. Overall I think things went well with the hypnosis until I reached a 7 and stayed there from 2 am until 7 am. She was poisterior so I labored in my back and it was not fun though manageable as long as I focused. I sat on the balance ball and tried swiveling my hips until at 6:45 I finally felt her flip which was actually kind of a weird but I knew when it happened because sensations in my back became less intense. I'll give a more detailed report along with my thoughts on hypnobabies later when it can be more detailed...

...So far, she is an incredibly sweet little baby. She cries a lot less than I remember last time... but maybe I know how to deal with crying better than I did last time. Everyone who sees me tells me how good I look... I think this is because I'm sleeping more than I did the last month or so... I credit that to less bathroom use.

I am honestly feeling so much better than last time I think I might do this baby thing again and not as spread apart as last time. It's so fun to have a baby to cuddle again. All the night wakings don't seem like such a big deal now. I think perhaps I've gotten more used to having most of my time being used by taking care of my children so I'm sure I've had a paradigm shift since I became a mother and after all I did for my tiny baby I never felt like he cared about me at all. Maybe because I expected to give, give, give without receiving that my outlook on mothering has changed. Maybe it's just because I have my big boy who is fun and we have fun together and love each other and so it's not so hard to have a baby who's only focus is her needs....Maybe it's just a learning curb. Who knows?



I've been thinking about the sacrifices a mother gives for her children that are emotional, physical and mental...even women who can't have children and it's amazing. Fathers of course sacrifice a lot too but just giving birth alone is a very interesting sacrifice. Some women do it multiple times and it's amazing to me the work that goes into raising a child. Every child is some one's baby that survived through the sacrifices of someone which makes the worth of a soul so much more tangible to me. I love my children so much. I am so grateful for the sacrifices of the generations that came before me so that I could hold my babies in my arms.

Christian is the most elated boy to have this baby sister of his. The first thing he wants to know in the morning is how his baby sister is and where she is. All of his prayers ask Heavenly Father to make his baby sister grow up fast so that he can play with her. I really believe that he promised her in Heaven that he would make sure she wasn't forgotten and that he'd get mom and dad to have her. He's the one that always asked for a baby sister. It makes me wonder if this is a glimpse of the way the Savior feels towards us and why He was willing to sacrifice for us. It makes it much more meaningful that we are Heavenly Father's babies and that our Elder Brother was so in love with us He was willing to do the Father's will.