(Be warned, this is pretty lengthy)
Last weekend we went to the funeral services for my Aunt Susan. It was actually quite healing in more ways than one. I was really thankful for the opportunity to spend talking to my aunt Annette who helped me, whether she knows it or not, deal with something that has be incredibly painful to talk about since I had Christian.
When I had Christian I was all gong-ho to be the best mom I could possibly be for him. I had read tons of parenting books and articles about everything related to parenting (not to mention all of the education and education psychology classes I’ve taken in my school carrier). I was going to do everything right.
Things started out alright with my little boy, I gave birth they way I wanted to, and began nursing as soon as they placed him in my arms. I had some of the usual problems with breastfeeding as we learned the how-to of latching and such, but really I felt like we were doing well. The first few days went well.
Then Jared came down with the stomach flu.
The next day I came down with it.
Now, this was one of the worse cases of stomach flu I’d ever had but I kept nursing because that’s what every book you read says to do to protect the baby…and it must have worked because he never got it…but my milk took 6 days to come in.
I didn’t worry too much because he still had wet diapers and an explosive poop every couple days. On his two week appointment I was freaked out to find out that he went from his birth-weight of 7 lbs 7 oz to be 6 lbs 2 oz. !!!
I felt like the most horrible mother in the world! I had no idea I was starving my child and I felt terrible.
The doctor had me supplement with formula and come in two days later. He was shocked that Christian had put on a whole pound of catch-up weight, and I realized that there was really something wrong that I could nurse him for 30 minutes on the hour and he still needed formula to gain weight. So after reading everything I had been given from the hospital about breastfeeding that promised that every woman can breastfeed. I went to a lactation consultant and rented a heavy duty pump.
This started my “pumping my life away” sessions where I would pump as often as possible after nursing Christian only to have maybe half an ounce fill the little bottle. I read more and more and then decided that I just needed more pumping practice. Poor Jared. He was so patient with me. I decided every spare minute was time for a pumping session. I did it for probably six weeks. We were watching “The Dark Crystal” on one of Jared’s days off when I was pumping and I realized that I was treating this like “the life essence” and it was draining the life out of me.
Then I decided to get an SNS system which is a bottle that hangs around your neck like a necklace with little tubes that you tape to your breasts and the baby can nurse at the same time as they are getting their formula. What a mess! It was wonderful to bond with Christian but the whole formula dripping down my front when he’d let go was disgusting! I actually kept this up for about four months and then decided I’d just nurse him and give him a bottle.
It was the best choice I’d made so far.
The funny thing was that Christian really loved to nurse. I have no idea what my output was but he did swallow something and must have got something because he was the hardest little thing to wean.
So fast forward a few years to now. After I had Vivian I put her to the breast right away. She nursed like a champion with a great latch and everything. Then she happily slept for two or so hours after she nursed. Everything seemed perfect... Until her three-day appointment when she’d lost more than 10% of her body weight.
The next few days were peppered with weight checks and supplemental formula feedings. She never acted “bored” with breast feeding like the doctor expected her to with the added formula. But she really did need the formula.
I asked my doctor to put me on this drug I knew caused lactation. I started pumping like crazy. I went to a La Leche League meeting…and then I realized…I was doing all of this stuff to make milk and if it wasn’t working the way everyone said it should there must be something going on.
The Reglan was making me apathetic to everything while just giving me a strong letdown and then nothing…and all I wanted to do was watch “What Not To Wear” when I couldn’t even put on my own clothes. The pumping was making me irritated anytime one of the kids needed anything because I needed to pump for Vivian. The La Leche League women made me feel like women who gave their children formula where comparable to the evil queen in Snow White, offering the poison apple.
I hated what was happening and the way I felt. So I decided to ask Jared for a blessing.
It was the sweetest blessing I’ve ever received as a mother. It said that Heavenly Father was proud of me and that he knew what my body was capable of doing and that what I could do and have already done was enough.
Honestly, it may sound silly, but I have shed more tears over this breastfeeding problem of mine more than anything else since I became a mother. It has been so painful to me to hear women bash other women who don’t breastfeed their children or read pro-breastfeeding articles that talk about how ‘rare’ it is not to be able to breastfeed. I would love more than anything to not have to worry about bottles to be washed and formula to buy and mix. It sounds like a blissful dream to not have to worry about how much I need to prepare for the next feeding.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have hypoplastic breasts which I stumbled across the definition by the baby center one day when I’d been nursing Christian for quite some time. Supposedly only 3% of women have this problem. The thing that really bothers me though is 3% is 3 in 100. That’s not that rare is it? It’s not like 1 in 60,000 or something like some of the diseases that they do the heel prick test for in infants.
Anyway, last weekend I talked to my aunt about my problem as I pulled out a bottle after I finished nursing Vivian and she was totally sweet about it. I had to laugh when she talked about the “breastfeeding brigade” of women who act like giving your baby formula is close to sin. It was also really comforting to hear that my grandma gave her children bottles soon after 6 weeks because she just couldn’t make enough. I think my aunts and uncles are some of the most intelligent people I know so maybe women who don’t breast fed don’t have idiots for children like some things I’ve read would like you to believe. She also mentioned that she’d actually read an article about women who didn’t make enough milk but didn’t want to ‘taint’ their children with formula and their children actually starved to death.
I am so glad I talked to her. My older sister has been telling me for the past month that it’s really okay that I can’t breastfeed exclusively and it’s really nice to have someone else say the same thing too. It’s very painful that many times when I see women in my ward they ask me how breastfeeding is going. Honestly, isn’t that a little personal? Most of the time I give them the truth but honestly, I feel hot tears pushing at the back of my eyelids every time I say it. I know they mean well, but it’s a painful topic for me.
Really, I’m relieved that I have some idea of what’s going on with me. I have decided that I just need to do my best and my best is not everyone’s best so I’ll just breastfeed and supplement until the day when either I dry completely or Vivian no longer has an interest.
It’s really the only thing I can do. I wish things were different, but they’re not and there really is nothing I can do about it. So, I’ll have my cry and move on and enjoy my babies by getting to know them for who they are not for what a perfect mom I can be to them. Besides, the most important thing about being a mom is my children and doing the best I can for them.
