The last well, year, I’ve been really wondering what is going to happen. Go figure. I followed Jared out here into the desert, where there are no “real” mountains to wait out the year until he gets a job. Of course, a job is a job. You have to have a job to keep a family comfortable. You also have to go where the jobs are available to have a job. After going to school to get a graduate degree, nothing could be more silly, in my opinion, than to not at least try to get a job with said degree.
Well, Jared has basically interviewed all over this area, as well as in Oregon. He actually has an interview in Utah that they are flying him out for tomorrow. I am hopeful for this one more than any of the others, but that has more to do with selfish reasons than anything else. I’m also filled with trepidation.
I have decided, after much thought, that wherever Jared wants to be is where I want to be. Each job he has interviewed with is pretty diverse and it will be up to him to chose one he will be happy with. I really hope that he takes a job in the place that God wants us to be. As I’ve sat and pondered places and weighed the pros and cons of each…I have to say that I really have to trust Heavenly Father to put us in the place that will help our children bloom and grow to their full potentials—not only mentally, but spiritually as well.
I’m honestly nervous that we may be able to move back close to family. I love my family. I actually am almost crazy in my interest for their well-being and the interest I take in their lives. That’s one of the big problems. Not all of my family is all that interested in my life. It is actually pretty painful to me. Dang it. I hate being a sensitive person, though I must say it’s better than being insensitive and unemotional.
Of course, not everyone is this way, it’s just those in our family who are more concerned about being right than being kind to such a degree that they feel an obligation to shun or mock me for my varying perspectives—or just plain ignore me.
When we went to Utah at the beginning of the month, I had a real eye-opening experience as to who really even cares about me and my immediate family. Let me just say that I have some wonderful, wonderful friends. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has been so benevolent in giving me such loving caring friends…who though they know I love to talk, sometimes to the extreme, are willing to take time out of their lives and show me that they love me just by talking to me. It really means a lot.
Thankfully, I also have some incredibly sweet extended family members who were very kind to us and seemed delighted that we had taken the time to drive 700 miles to visit. It really touched me especially that someone acknowledged the effort it took when some of the closer family did all they possibly could to avoid me.
That is the real problem. Apathy. I have some family members that were in my opinion, just plain thoughtless or to put it more bluntly cruel. People who when I approached them and tried to be friendly and talk to them, because no one besides me was around to witness their rudeness, completely ignored me right as I stood there in front of them.
What have I done to deserve such treatment? Do I want to move back to a place where I’m reminded of how much apathy members of my own family treat me with when all I have ever tried to do was be their friends? It really hurts.
I also don’t want such feelings to hurt my children if we end up moving back. If people can’t give you the time of day to at least be courteous, why should I waste my time being with them when I’m only going to go away feeling this deep painful pressure in my chest that can only be called heart-ach? It seems incredibly ironic to me that those who strut around in their righteousness and their church callings often are the least Christ-like people of all.
After the first night when we were at my cousin’s wedding, it was only my aunt’s words of appreciation that kept me from going straight back home. I was so happy to see everyone, but the treatment I got made me feel like an absolute fool for coming. If we move back to Utah, I may opt out of family affairs and just see those family members who are considerate human beings with my time.
Do I want to move back to Utah? I don’t know. I want the good influences that our families can have on the children, but I don’t want the negativity from the ones who haven’t learned to be truly loving. I want the support I can get from some but I don’t want the cruelness from the others. Choices, choices.
It may be that after tomorrow, Jared doesn’t get the job so all my worrying will be for not.
Who knows what the future holds?
I'm so sorry that you had a bad time when you visited! I really wish I had come to your Birthday party! Too bad I didn't recognize Roseola for what it was. I've been feeling kind of hurt by some of the extended family members lately too. Just little things. I know what you mean when you say it's so hard to be so sensitive! I feel the same way, it makes me so annoyed at myself!
ReplyDelete*Sigh*
But all I can do is try to do better, to be a better person and in the end to be above the insults and try to be happy in myself, despite outward forces.
I hope the Lord sends you were you are meant to be. I'm sure wherever that is, you will find happiness and come out of the next few years a better, stronger person.
I love you!