Finding a balance

I've been pondering lately on the concept of being content. It seems that so many influences in our lives try to get us to want more, more, more. Clothes that have more style...or just more clothes. A nicer house, a nicer car, a better school for our kids, a better body, more money, more vacations...etc. More of everything no matter what it is you do have, there's always something better. Of course it is true that there is always going to be something better out there than what we have. I do think that obsessing about things that we don't have right now breeds disconent. Being a little disconent of course is a good thing if it inspires us to be better and work harder but only to a point. Being discontent seems to hamper our gratitude level and how blessed we feel and can actually blind us to the joy that we could be reveling in.
For example, I have been wanting a house for years. I was incredibly excited to move into the beautiful area that we live in and a nice house that though it needs a little work, is more than what I ever had imagined in the beginning of my "home dreams". The weird thing about this area, is that in the ward that we live in, there are some homes that are a little bit bigger with more bells and whistles than the homes in our neighborhood.
This didn't bother me at first but after some disparageing remarks from some women in my ward about our neighborhood, our home, our furnishings (or lack of), I became caught up in a little "comparison" game in my mind. I was annoyed at those who thought what I didn't have wasn't enough but I also started second-guessing myself that I really did want the things that they thought I should have. Along with that came discontentment with the blessings that I had originally been so excited to have. In conjunction with that, I was missing my friends and family 700 miles away and comparing my experiences (such as lack of a social life, etc) with everyone around me and feeling very picked on. I wasn't totally unhappy, mind you, I was enjoying going to the gym and crafting and being a mommy to my kids but I felt incomplete and like I said, discontent because I wanted more.

It was partially because of conversations I had with my sister when she came for the holiday and from reading the book "The Simple Home" by Sharon Hanby-Robie that I came to a realization that I can't have it all and actually, I don't want it all.
I want a simple life. I don't need a bunch of really nice things, like a flat-screen TV, a new sofa to make me happy. My kids don't need video games and expensive toys or a swimming pool or even playground equipment in the backyard to be happy either. I don't even need to have a packed schedule to be happy, in fact, I want less to do. My kids don't need to be a part of everything. My children just need balance. They need time to play. They need time to exercise and explore music. They benefit from being in extra-curricular activities but only to a point. The children I teach piano and violin to who are the happiest are those who are not over-burdend with too many activites.
What we really need is to be organized enough that we can have a peaceful home where we can spend time together enjoying each other. The goal of raising a family is not to make your child's life "perfect" by their immature definition of "everything they want" because that would be like feeding an insatiable monster.
I believe disconent is there to help me recognize something that is missing that I need to change, that I can change. For example, perhaps I do need to paint the bathroom so that it's a more pleasing space to be in. Or maybe I do need to add a shelves to the garage to keep better order to the space so I can find what I need when I need it. But if I am so full of discontent that I make myself feel picked on for things that I can not change, or I really can't afford at the moment such as that pair of designer jeans, or a brand new car, or anything that I can not change, I really am hurting my own self. Those things can be goals that I can work towards, but if there are so many things that I want that I become ingrateful for the things that I do have, I'm really just hurting myself and in a way abusing my reality rather than being grateful for the life that I am living at the moment. Maybe we don't live in the situation that we wish we did, but being angry or frustrated with what we have doesn't make us feel very happy.
The funniest thing has happened in this past month as I've tried to be more content with what I have or figure out what to do with what I have to create what I need; I've lost weight. I've lost the last 10 lbs that I've tried to lose for the past year. And guess what? I haven't changed anything, in fact I've actually worked out a little less and let my body rest more when I felt I needed it. Perhaps being happy with what you have has benefits. Perhaps, being conent has helped my hormones help me to actually become a more healthy weight. Who knows? All I know is that I am finally feeling really blessed with the things that I do have and with the life that I live. And I must say, that I feel really happy.

At the Beginning of a New Year…

So I haven’t written in quite some time.  I was doing so well with my workouts and had reached the 3/4 point when we moved to a new house.  It’s interesting that once we moved I went down 2 more sizes though I only lost 5 lbs. and I wasn’t “working-out” formally.

When we first moved into the house, because of extra repairs that had to be made, we were short the money that we were planning on using  to have the house re-painted and re-carpeted.  So I started saving the blue envelopes that come in the mail to get the carpets all cleaned.  When I figured out that the price of having the carpets done professionally would be the same cost as buying my own steam cleaner, I thought “why not get a steam cleaner?  I have two hands.  Then I’ll always have it.”  So crazy little me, I bought a steam cleaner the day we closed on the house and the next day with my baby in one arm, cleaned 1,200 feet of carpet.  Luckily, I changed arms once in a while so that one of them didn’t fall off.  It was while I was cleaning the carpets that I realized something: whoever the last occupant of the house was, sure didn’t clean (maybe never) and didn’t have any reservations about putting pin holes in the walls.

So, for the past two months,  I have been worrying about spackling and painting walls, vacuuming carpets and mopping 1,400 feet of tile.  I am far from finished but I have the worse rooms in much better shape.

Now I’m wishing that I had paid better attention to my body and my diet.  Yes, I’ve lost a little weight and a couple of sizes, but I feel guilty about letting my goal slide.  I’ve been debating just picking up where I left off and give myself an extension or starting over.

I think I will give myself an extension, but I think I also should just pat myself on the back and just be proud of myself for keeping at something—even with a hiatus.  It’s not like I haven’t been working anyway!  We all need a little forgiveness now and then so I’m going to start out the New Year with not a “Do-Over” but with some forgiveness and a “I Can Do It” attitude.

Besides, exercise is a goal that should be on-going, not a, “You blew it and now you have to start all over again!” kind of a thing.  It’s a gradual lifestyle change that can change you from the inside out. 

I’m still going to keep up my home improvements  this year, but I’m going to try just a little harder to work on my self improvements as well.

Chocolate Tempation

Yesterday, I was sharing a bit of leftover chocolate with Christian (that I was hoping to get rid of). After we had finished what I had unwrapped, Christian turned to me and said in a frustrated tone, "Ya know mom, Chocolate is kind of bad because it just makes me want more and more!"

I couldn't agree more!
----------
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

I've got some good news and some bad news...

Well, the good news is that we are now looking to become homeowners! Hurray! I've waited seven and a half years for this!

The bad news is that my dearly loved sewing machine has bit the dust. Of course it happened the week that Jared's friend commissioned me to make some things for her new apartment. So, I went out the other day and just got a basic model Burnett sewing machine frome the Bernina store. The nice thing about it is that I can trade it in at a later date and upgrade to a nicer machine. Another nice thing, is that I get to take classes for free to help me understand my machine, plus free service for a year! Can't top that!

I also have been a very good girl and have worked out very consistantly and I am almost 50 less than I was at my heaviest (during the throngs of pregnancy). Not too shabby...especially considering I only gained 35 lbs during my pregnancy.

I think working out has just become much more of a part of my life than just some annoying thing I have to do every day (or at least should do). I love goals....they really do help me feel like I'm achieving something rather than wondering aimlessly. What are some goals that really have helped you feel like you're progressing forward?

----------
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Feeling Thinner…and Feeling Awake

Yesterday was a good day.  According to the lack of sleep I’ve had in the last 10 days or so, it was almost strange that I felt so great.  But you know what?

I Feel Thin!  And it Feels good.

I don’t necessarily look any different than I did last week.  I don’t even weigh any less.  But I feel good in my skin. 

What a relief!

I haven’t felt this way since Christian was two-and-a half and I was student-teaching which was two years ago.  I like it.

The most interesting thing about how I feel is that I have had an awful cold for the past 10 days or so and so have both of my children.  I have not slept so little since Vivian was a month old.  It’s times like these when I want a mommy of my own to come and take care of me…to bad my mom is 700 + miles away.

I had no motivation so I only exercised 3 times this past week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.   The week before that I was feeling my motivation slipping away and only ended up exercising four days that week instead of my initial resolve to exercise five and make it to 20 day in the month.  I only reached 19. 

I was feeling pretty mad at myself about this but I realized that I need to cut myself some slack.  I don’t need to let my self totally off the hook,  but I do need to be proud of what I do accomplish.

At least I didn’t stop exercising all together and call it quits.  Now I’m wondering if my giving myself more days to rest and recover has helped me actually feel better.  I’ll need to ponder on that.  I do know that after I met Jared and stopped running 5 miles almost everyday and instead played tennis every few days I actually started losing weight faster.  Who knows?

Anyway, I enjoy this “thin feeling”.  It might just be a state of mind or something.  I don’t know.

I was reading in someone’s blog last week that they didn’t feel good about themselves when they didn’t look good physically.  And because they had gain about 20 some-odd pounds they felt like they looked lazy.  This really upset me.  I know I was taking it somewhat out of context, but made me realize that this person for some reason associated “extra weight” with “laziness”.

Honestly, I don’t think that because someone has extra weight on them they are lazy.  Some of the most busy, hard working, selfless people I know are overweight by a little or even a lot.  I don’t think that makes them lazy or even look lazy.  Besides, how can we judge how lazy someone is by their appearance as long as they’re clean?  Who knows if they have been pregnant and had medical issues that kept them on bed rest or grew up in a family that made them “clean their plates”, or told them that children in Africa were starving so they should eat everything given them.   They might be trying their very hardest to lose weight and have made amazing strides.   How can I know that just by looking at them?  I can’t.  Sometimes though, I do wonder if they might be too tired to care about exercise or perhaps they have a medical issue that they don’t know how to deal with or perhaps they are too tired to work on even trying.

I know that I have been tired.  So very tired and walking in a haze during certain parts of my life that all I could manage was to make sure I took care of the basic essentials of hygiene (showering,wearing clean clothes, etc) and survival (eating, drinking etc) on top of the other things I had responsibilities towards (such as taking care of my son).

I know that I do feel better about myself when I take the time to exercise, I know that I look better too.  My skin is clearer and more supple, my muscles are more defined, I don’t feel as though I jiggle as much, my mind feels clearer, and most importantly, I am less tired!

I know it’s really difficult to get started exercising, but that’s the hardest part and after you do it you feel so much better and your body thanks you in so many ways.  I’m really proud of myself for not stopping exercising this week even though I felt crappy and unmotivated.  It reminds me of something my sister’s art teacher used to say “Everything has to have an ugly stage”.  Because these last 10 days have felt like a major ugly stage.

It was such a surprise to wake up yesterday and feel thin and happy after nights and nights of little sleep.  I attribute it to keeping up the exercise even when it was drudgery.  Thank goodness I didn’t throw in the towel because I feel thin, I feel strong and I feel awake!

Lack of Motivation

I have no idea what is wrong with me!  I have absolutely ZERO motivation to workout this week!  Maybe it’s hormones…who knows?  I have been continuing my schedule and I’m on workout 17 today but I really don’t want to do ANYTHING!  Maybe it’s because it does take a chunk of productivity out of my day and is a sacrifice.

Hopefully this drudgery feeling will pass and I’ll get back into being more excited about my workouts so that I can enjoy them.  Maybe I just need to switch things up a little and find something new to do to get my body moving…

Faith Affirmations

A girl from the hypno-babies group forum asked for some “Faith Promoting Affirmations”.  I put together a list of them.  The first ones are referenced to scriptures in the Bible and the next group are directly related to either The Proclamation on the Family, or other LDS scripture.

 

 

Faith Affirmations

From the Bible

My baby has a divine nature and destiny.

(Jeremiah 1:5)

My baby is a heritage of the Lord

(Psalms 127:3)

I have the power of love and of a sound mind

(2 Timothy 1:7)

I will be patient

I am doing God’s will by giving my baby life

(Hebrews 10:36)

I will have Faith that my baby’s birth will be beautiful

(Hebrews 11:1)

Every good and perfect gift comes from God

(James 1:17)

My baby is of a chosen generation

(1 Peter 2:9)

God’s divine power gives my baby’s life

(2 Peter 1:3)

My baby is a child of the Lord

I am a child of the Lord

(Deuteronomy 14:1) (Psalms 2:6)

God makes me a joyful mother of my baby

(Psalms 113:9)

My baby is pure and beautiful

(Matt 18:3)

God is my strength and my power

(2 Samuel 22:33)

I am full of power by the spirit of the Lord

(Micah 3:8)

From The Proclamation on the Family and other LDS resources

My baby is created in God’s image

My baby is a beloved spirit child of heavenly parents

My baby has chosen to receive his or her body

I have been chosen to be this baby’s mother

The creation of my baby’s mortal life is divinely appointed

I have been given the solemn responsibility to love and care for my baby

I have been given a sacred duty to love my baby

I have been given the sacred charge to provide for my baby’s physical and spiritual needs

I am responsible for the nurture of my baby

Because of Eve’s great choice, I can have my baby and my baby will bring me JOY

(Moses 5:10)

I need not fear for I am the Lord’s

(Doctrine and Covenants 50:41)

The power and goodness of the Lord is over all the inhabitants of the earth

(1 Nephi 1:14)

Jump back in!

I am very proud of me.  I worked out 6 days in a week the first week of August and 4 days last week before we headed out of town.  That is 10% of my goal!  Not too shabby.

I was pretty much dreading getting back into my exercise routine last night as we drove in from UT (it’s about a 12-hour drive with all the stops we have to make with two children).  But this morning, I got up before Vivian and got right to it.  Man, I’m proud of myself.  That is one of my biggest set-backs—going out of town.

I figure if I can work-out at least 20 times this month I can reach my goal with no problem.  Planning seems to be helping me stick to it.  Wish me luck :).

Time to Plan!

As we left town this weekend, I felt like I was losing my mind, being unable to know what to plan for in the future.  If you know anything about me, I have to plan or it makes me crazy!

We had been told by the people in UT that they would get back to us in the middle of the week.  Well, it was the end of Thursday and I was going crazy with the anticipation.  So, I begged Jared to call them as I started the drive out of Phoenix.

He didn’t get the job, though she told him he was a strong applicant.  I’m so relieved to know.  So, Jared emailed the people who gave him the offer in Mesa to accept.  They emailed him less than five minutes later to say how excited they were to have him.

I’m so glad.  I’m glad to know that Jared has a job to jump right into as soon as he’s done with his internship at the end of August.  I’m so grateful that I will not have to rush and move somewhere, that Jared can take public transportation into work until we can move closer.  I have friends here that I won’t have to leave.  We can sign Christian up for Soccer with the same program we already have used. I can find a preschool for Christian, I can find more students, I can find a violin teacher, I can get my piano back soon! 

I’m happy!

It would be nice to be closer to family, but as it is, the drive to UT isn’t too long and if we’re making more than we were previously, we can probably fly up a couple times a year.  It will be okay (as long as I get to see snow and mountains sometimes).  It’s not exactly what I want, but I can be content for now, knowing we’re we’ll be for a while and being able to put down a few roots.

Hooray!  I can plan!

Challenge: Let Motion Be Your Lotion

Today was day 7 of my 100 day workout challenge.  I have to say…I love the way my arms are getting more definition in them.  It’s nice.  I mean, they’re still far from perfect, they are pretty much relief society arms, but I really can see a difference.

I like that I picked 100 days because it makes figuring out percentiles easy.  I’m 7% done with my goal.  It may seem small but if I exercise three more times this week I’m already 10% complete with my goal and I will still have five and a half months to complete it.  I like that.

About the time that I decided I was going to challenge myself to 100 days of exercise in 6 months I started having problems with my left hip “sticking”.  I’d be sitting down on the sofa doing something and then I honestly couldn’t stand up without being in tremendous pain because my hip didn’t want to unfold itself.  Not only is it a pain and painful, it makes it really difficult to help Vivian when she needs me.  It also makes me feel like an old lady—I’m only 28 for crying out loud!

I think it’s probably because A). Because of my scoliosis, my hips are not turned out evenly  and though my surgeon tried to  pull them out a little more and make them more even, there was only so much he could do.

B). Is because I had a baby less than a year ago and my body has not quite recovered yet.

I realized that it happened on the days when I didn’t do my kick-boxing videos but I had done my aerobics videos instead.  I wondered if there was perhaps a correlation with getting my hip stuck and not kick-boxing.  So I tried an experiment and it’s true—my hip doesn’t stick on the days I kick-box.

I told my younger sister this and she thought it was interesting and told me of a saying she’d heard that’s “Let motion be your lotion”.  I guess it’s true in my case, because the days that I exercise are the days when I feel the best physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Even today, I was really dragging my feet to workout but once I was finished, I felt refreshed, awake and ready to start a productive day.

I think our bodies are made for motion and when we deny them that motion, they complain and make us feel worse and then we think we can’t possibly move because we feel so crappy.  Once we do start moving consistently we feel better—inside and out.  Maybe exercise really is a little oil in the joints that we need to avoid creaky hinges.

Challenge…(day two) Kicking and Kids

I started my counting of work-out days yesterday since it was the first Monday of the month, I figured it would be a good day to “officially” start.  Honestly, after working out at least every other day since the beginning of June, it wasn’t some magical or painful thing to do :).

My favorite workout to do at the moment is kickboxing.  Honestly, it probably is because it makes me feel no-nonsense, tough, strong and powerful.  Another bonus, for me in particular, is that kickboxing is supposed to be done in an upright position and doesn’t involve twisting of the spine (something completely impossible for me).

Okay, this may be annoying, but it’s time for a commercial…well kind of, it’s really more of a recommendation…

My favorite kickboxing workout is on the Kathy Smith Cardio Knockout.  It’s the second workout on the DVD (the first workout which is aero-boxing,  is, at the moment, rendered impossible for me to do because it takes a pretty high level of aerobic fitness and jump-roping for over 75% of the workout…I’m just not quite there yet).

Anyway, the kickboxing workout on this DVD is awesome… At least I feel awesome when I do it. 

I love that they go over proper form with the punches and the kicks in the intro and have reminders during the workout of what good form is.  Another nice thing is that they go over each move slowly before they speed it up.  There’s also a great leg section at the end of the workout that I really like where you practice the kicks slowly.  I love that each day I do this, I can actually see my legs shaping into something more sleek and powerful looking than they ever did before.  It’s pretty encouraging!  There’s also a great ab workout on this DVD that does not have any crunches!  Hurray for me!!!  (I have a full spinal fusion for those of you who don’t know so no bending for me)….besides, who really likes to do crunches?! My baby belly has stopped doing that hang-over thing and is starting to look just poochy instead of poochy and flabby.

The point is, I love these workouts.  It’s a good thing to love what you do…especially if you have goals to do whatever thing a lot.   If you haven’t tried kickboxing, I highly recommend it.   Besides, it works more muscles than running thus burning more calories.  Plus, it’s fun (especially once your kicks start getting higher).

On a similar note, I’ve decided that though it can be a little hard to motivate myself to do workouts at home (or in general), it’s probably a pretty important thing for my children to see me exercising.

When I was growing up I thought exercise was just for people who want to lose weight.  I didn’t realize that fitness was actually a part of being a healthy whole person.  I do want to lose weight, but I also want to be a whole, healthy person.  Exercise really is part of being a whole healthy person.

I hope that my children seeing me exercises  will help them learn and understand that exercise is just a part of a healthy lifestyle.  Something that is important to do consistently throughout life and with a moderate level of enjoyment. 

Values are the most easily taught through examples.  Just talking about something doesn’t do much to influence others—it’s actions that inspire.  Talking helps but no one takes anyone seriously who just talks the talk and can’t walk the walk.

One of the things I like about this whole working out at home  is that Christian has made it his goal to remind me everyday that I need to exercise.  He also joins me in the cool downs and the ab exercises and then tells me what a great job I did that day.  How’s that for motivation?!  I love my boy.

So, hopefully in conjunction with  my own improvements, I’ll help my children with their own out-looks on exercise and health…that’s one reason to smile during a workout!

Challenge…

First thing, I’d like to announce that happily, to date, I have lost 40 lbs.  since having Vivian 7 months ago. 

That means that I’m actually 7 lbs less than I was before I got pregnant with her.  Of course, I did end up about 58 lbs heavier at the end of my pregnancy with her than I was before I first got pregnant with Christian. Thus, I have at least 18 more lbs that I’d like to lose and if possible more than that… But despite all that.  I’ve about 2/3 of the way to my goal weight. Wahoo!

Sadly, I still do not fit my old clothes that I could wear when I was seven lbs heavier before I got pregnant with Vivian.  They are still too small.  Dang it.  I guess I’ve kind of re-constructed my hips and ribs from being pregnant but they will (hopefully) go down and I am getting a lot closer.

If anyone’s interested in how I achieved my weight-loss since last I posted about this, I’ll tell you. 

Diet:  I had every intention of being on the South-Beach Diet, but that never quite worked out.  So, instead of beating myself up with a diet, I just cut out sweets except for once a week.  I actually have a thing for chocolate so I have a bar of high-quality very dark chocolate that I let myself have one square of if I feel desperate for it.  I figure it’s better that I have something with anti-oxidants in it than something that’s just purely sugar. :)  With my meals, I try to make sure that I have enough protein to keep me full and twice as many vegetables as protein.  I haven’t cut out carbohydrates like bread, rice, pasta and potatoes but I have do try to keep these proportions small (I do have a four-year old who is learning what is healthy by watching me and I need to be a good example).  I do not eat food that is ready-made (cold cereal doesn’t count) as a rule though once a week, I let myself have something from a restaurant, fast-food, deli or even a take-and-bake pizza.  As far as beverages go, I limit juice or soda to once a week, and only drink water or rice milk the rest of the time (I’m lactose intolerant, otherwise I’d be drinking regular milk too).

Exercise:  I started out exercising with a video three times a week.  This worked really well until about a month ago when I was just not losing any weight so I decided to up the frequency and go to four times a week.  This really helped me feel like I was accomplishing something.  That’s why two weeks ago I started exercising five times a week.  Holy Cow!  I feel fantastic!!!  I promise, I’m not just saying it!   I’ve been exercising three days, resting one, exercising two and then resting one.  It’s the days that I’ve rested are actually the days when I’m more tired, have less energy and feel just not as great.  It seems so ironic that I feel better when I’ve worked out than not. 

This brings me to the other thing that I wanted to write about.  It is the concept of  “challenge”.   As I’ve have the opportunity to be the mother of two human beings, I’ve been able to observe their development and how one moves from one skill set to another.

For example, from the time Vivian was about 3.5 months old, she would do little crunches.  Anytime you’d lay her flat on her back she would push with her little abdominal muscles with all her might and get her head up and  try to sit.  After a few weeks of this, she had gained enough strength to roll over.  After a few more weeks she figured out that if she rolled in succession she could actually get somewhere.

Now she can sit up straight for an indefinite amount of time once she’s put in the sitting position but she’s not quite to getting to the sitting up position on her own.  What do I find her doing all of the time?  I don’t know what else to call them but oblique exercises.  She lays on her side and does side kicks while she crunches in a side-ways manner.

All this observation has made me realize that:

1. One must challenge  themselves to get to a goal

2. It takes consistent trying to achieve any goal.

When I first started working out consistently, there was no way I could put as much energy into the moves as the person on the video.  There was just no way, I didn’t have the speed, strength or agility to do so.  That was okay, as long as I kept on trying.  Each subsequent time that I use a particular video, I try to challenge myself to do various moves with a little better posture, a little better form, and/or a little more energy the whole time while smiling (to try to convince my subconscious that this is supposed to make me feel good) and imagining my muscles getting stronger. The results have been remarkable!

As I finished my workout today, I realized, I wasn’t tired.  I felt great.  I felt energized, strong, beautiful and accomplished!  It didn’t feel like drudgery or something boring that I had to do.  I feel amazing!  I looked in the mirror today and realized I’m liking the way my shoulders are becoming more defined.  I’ve never really noticed that before.  It feels awesome!

I’ve been talking to my sister about this for a while, but I’m going to do an 100 days of exercise challenge.  I’m going to do 100 days of working out within six months.  I’m hoping to be able to do it closer to four months than six, but I’m going to give myself a little more time allotment just because I may be moving in the next couple of months, sick days sometimes happen and what can I say, life happens!  So, for the next few months I’m going to be challenging myself to be very consistent in my workouts.  These are my rules/guidelines to make sure that I can keep this up.

1.  Workout at least 20 minutes to count (preferably 10 minutes warm-up 30 minutes workout and 10-minutes cool down).

2.  I can count any kind of exercise whether it be yoga, Pilates, kick-boxing, dancing, running, weight-training…etc) as long as I do cardio 3 times a week.

3.  No excuses about fitting in my exercise.  I am a stay-at-home mom who has two children begging for my attention, but if I make exercise a real priority, it really can happen.  I can wake up before they do, let my 4-year-old join me while the baby sleeps, do it while they both sleep, or fit it in once my husband gets home.  That’s four options!  I really have no excuses do I?

4.  Remember this is about me.  This is about me taking care of me.  Not me trying to look like so-and-so.  This is me teaching my children to honor their bodies and see that it’s an important responsibility to take care of the body we’ve been given.  It’s about being my best self.

So, if anyone out there  cares, wish me luck.   I’m excited to see/feel how I will be when I’m finished with my 100 work-out challenge.

What shall the future be like…I wonder?

The last well, year, I’ve been really wondering what is going to happen.  Go figure.  I followed Jared out here into the desert, where there are no “real” mountains to wait out the year until he gets a job.  Of course, a job is a job.  You have to have a job to keep a family comfortable.   You also have to go where the jobs are available to have a job.  After going to school to get a graduate degree, nothing could be more silly, in my opinion, than to not at least try to get a job with said degree.

Well, Jared has basically interviewed all over this area, as well as in Oregon.  He actually has an interview in Utah that they are flying him out for tomorrow.  I am hopeful for this one more than any of the others, but that has more to do with selfish reasons than anything else.  I’m also filled with trepidation.

I have decided, after much thought, that wherever Jared wants to be is where I want to be.  Each job he has interviewed with is pretty diverse and it will be up to him to chose one he will be happy with.  I really hope that he takes a job in the place that God wants us to be.  As I’ve sat and pondered places and weighed the pros and cons of each…I have to say that I really have to trust Heavenly Father to put us in the place that will help our children bloom and grow to their full potentials—not only mentally, but spiritually as well.

I’m honestly nervous that we may be able to move back close to family.  I love my family.  I actually am almost crazy in my interest for their well-being and the interest I take in their lives.  That’s one of the big problems.  Not all of my family is all that interested in my life.  It is actually pretty painful to me.  Dang it.  I hate being a sensitive person, though I must say it’s better than being insensitive and unemotional. 

Of course, not everyone is this way, it’s just those in our family who are more concerned about being right than being kind to such a degree that they feel an obligation to shun or mock me for my varying perspectives—or just plain ignore me.

When we went to Utah at the beginning of the month, I had a real eye-opening experience as to who really even cares about me and my immediate family.  Let me just say that I have some wonderful, wonderful friends.  I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has been so benevolent in giving me such loving caring friends…who though they know I love to talk, sometimes to the extreme, are willing to take time out of their lives and show me that they love me just by talking to me.  It really means a lot.

Thankfully, I also have some incredibly sweet extended family members who were very kind to us and seemed delighted that we had taken the time to drive 700 miles to visit.  It really touched me especially that someone acknowledged the effort it took when some of the closer family did all they possibly could to avoid me.

That is the real problem.  Apathy.  I have some family members that were in my opinion, just plain thoughtless or to put it more bluntly cruel.  People who when I approached them and tried to be friendly and talk to them, because no one besides me was around to witness their rudeness, completely ignored me right as I stood there in front of them.

What have I done to deserve such treatment?  Do I want to move back to a place where I’m reminded of how much apathy members of my own family treat me with when all I have ever tried to do was be their friends?  It really hurts.

I also don’t want such feelings to hurt my children if we end up moving back.  If people can’t give you the time of day to at least be courteous, why should I waste my time being with them when I’m only going to go away feeling this deep painful pressure in my chest that can only be called heart-ach?  It seems incredibly ironic to me that those who strut around in their righteousness and their church callings often are the least Christ-like people of all.

After the first night when we were at my cousin’s wedding, it was only my aunt’s words of appreciation that kept me from going straight back home.  I was so happy to see everyone, but the treatment I got made me feel like an absolute fool for coming.  If we move back to Utah, I may opt out of family affairs and just see those family members who are considerate human beings with my time.

Do I want to move back to Utah?  I don’t know.  I want the good influences that our families can have on the children, but I don’t want the negativity from the ones who haven’t learned to be truly loving.  I want the support I can get from some but I don’t want the cruelness from the others.  Choices, choices.

It may be that after tomorrow, Jared doesn’t get the job so all my worrying will be for not.

Who knows what the future holds?

Daily Priorities...

The last month or so, I've been doing incredibly well at making exercise a priority. I am really proud of myself. I read in the book "Finding the Angel Within by Pamela H. Hansen that when the LDS Prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckely was interviewed once and was asked what were the most important things he did each day. His answer was scripture reading and exercise.

I find this so interesting. After a lot of pondering on this I have realized the wisdom of this. There are so many things to do each day, it is easy to get buried in them: Cleaning, cooking, laundry, feeding children mulitiple times a day, scripture reading, exercise, meal planning, church callings, errands to run, classes, friends and family to contact,....besides things that are "non-essentials" such as TV/Movie watching, reading, computer use, recreational activities such as going to the zoo and the park, crafting, scrapbooking, sewing...etc.

Life can get so complicated! I feel a headache coming on just thinking of all there is to be done. Of course prioritizing is an important part of this. What should our priorities be? As a mom, the needs of my children do come first. Of course it is easy to let their needs take first priority and for me to become so bogged down in them and their needs that I completely ignore my own needs. Not a healthy option. When Christian was a baby and quite unhappy (colicky maybe?) I was so desperate to make him happy that I didn't pay much attention to my needs and got pretty lost/confused/depressed because I wasn't really doing anything for me unless I was desperate.

Healthy children are born with the the natural instincts to help them get what they need. They cry. They cry when they need something; anything. They are not concerned about anyone else's needs. They are immature; Physically, mentally, emotionally. As they grow they learn to put others' needs ahead of their own and about delaid gratification. Some of us become better at this than others. Of course moderation in all things is a necessary ingredient to learn in life, otherwise we can let everyone else's needs become first and not take care of our own needs which is unhealthy; especially long term.

I decided that the easiest way to prioritize is by figuring out what the most important things in my life are. In my opinion, it's spiritual growth. On top of that, the whole reason I have life is because of my body, so I need to take care of that too since it's the vehicle that will carry me through to the end of my life.

It's silly for people to expect their cars to last for years and years without much thought to matainance other than adding gas regularly or the occasional oil change. Tires need to be rotated, air filters changed,...etc. It's the same with our bodies, if we don't take care of them, they aren't going to perform at the top capacity. They may still get you where you need to go but the ride may not be as smooth. It's the same deal with our bodies, they need nourishment, exercise, to be clean and sleep to be healthy.

I have spent so much of my life fighting my body. Wishing that it looked differently, that I didn't have the maladies I do. I have also experienced moments of triumph with my body, moments when I reached the top of a moutain, finished a race, completed a goal, maxed at 110 lbs on the bench press, held a yoga pose for 10 minutes, and gave birth. Those have been some of the most rewarding days of my life! I need to stop worrying about what I can't control and take responsibility for the things that I can. I can be a strong woman even if I can't be a tall slender one. I can be a loving mother that teaches her children how to become loving human begins. I can become spiritual strong through meditation, prayer, pondering and scripture study. I can do amazing things if I don't let all of the other little things in life crowd out what the most important things are.

That is why I'm trying to follow President Hinckley's lead and try to prioritize wisely and remember to take care of my spiritual and physical needs first. And what easier way than by daily exercising and scripture reading?!

What I've Learned...

This past weekend was my birthday. I am now realizing that my time-lines never work out just the way I think. Oh well. You live, you learn. Thus the reason I am posting today. I been contemplating about how much I've learned throughout this year. This has honestly been one of the most different years of my life. I have been pregnant, had a appendectomy, moved to a new state with a new climate, and had a baby and gone on six(!) trips this year. It's been very eventful in some ways and almost mundane in others. I know for sure this is a year I will never forget. Thankfully, along the way I have learned some valuable lessons. I may have learned some of them already and had to re-learn them, and I may have to remember them again. I thought I'd share them so perhaps (hopefully) I'll just remember.

1. Do not allow what you think other's think of you to stop or stifle your development.

2. It's not fair to others for me to be unforgiving or have preconcieved notions of what others can or can't acheive or what or who they are as a person.

3. It doesn't pay to avoid learning experiences that may be difficult. That is what gives us the highest sense of acheivement.

4. Life is short and precious, you never know when someone is going to leave; embrace them as well as each moment you've been given.

5. Family is everything--Let them know how you feel--use loving phrases as much as possible. It never hurts to show love; it only hurts to withhold love.

6. Even if you do not agree with others and/or their behaviors, the most important this is that you love them and encourage them to be their personal best.

7. Disagreeing is human; forgiveness is divine.

8. We were put on earth to become masters of ourselves.

9. Take time for physical and spiritual development each day; exercise and read scriptures daily for true strength.

10. Emotions are important. Be aware of them. Express them. It is important to recogize that they are emotions though and only a small glimpse of reality. Do not let them rule you by giving them too much stock.

I may later write a blog about each item if I get in the mood to explain myself.

Will it ever end?

WARNING: Personal venting session ahead

I am about to go absolutely CRAZY! We have yet to hear back on the job we're the most excited about and I feel so frustrated. I know Jared is frustrated too but at least he has job to help keep his mind off of things. It doesn't help that I'm sooo lonely for female friends down here in the hot place. If I didn't have kids to worry about I seriously would consider some wrist slashing. I really feel like my life is at a dead-end and I've been damned. I am such a planner with nothing long-term to plan for I feel insane. Two weeks of waiting may seem small but to my limited perspective it seems endless.

----------
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Happy Feet

Of all of the things I don’t prefer about myself.  I love my feet.  My feet are consistently the best looking things I’ve got.  The only time in my life that they have hurt my appearance was when they got swollen while I was pregnant with #2.

One reason why I love my feet is that they are pretty easy to maintain.  All you have to do is keep them clean, take care of nail length now and then and they look great.  I never think “man, these toes have got to shed a few pounds or they’ll never squeeze into my shoes again”. 

On the contrary, they pretty much stay a consistent size as apposed to my hips and thighs (which by the way are still slightly too big to fit into my regular clothes).  This is why I love my feet.  And because I love my feet, I show them I love them by “putting a little paint on the old barn” so to say.

 

I love having my toenails painted.  I personally think that painting one’s toenails is one of the most easy pick-me-ups available to woman-kind.  You can pick any color you like plus a little patience and magically you can have flirty, fun toenails that make you feel young and pretty all for the price of a bottle. 

Of course you can pay for someone to give you a  pedicure.  That is an indulgence on a whole other level.  I have never felt so pampered than the one time I got my toenails done by a professional.  It was a valentines gift from my sweetie.  I actually went in feeling really silly and vain about the whole thing but I left feeling so fabulous about myself.  Seriously, it seems a little silly but the thing that makes me feel pretty faster than anything else is a little paint on the old toenails.

Since having Vivian, I’ve tried to always keep my nails painted…I only have to do it every other week or so and it makes me feel special…even if my feet aren’t always showing…I know that there is something cute in hiding…even if it’s not my thighs.

Quick Bite!

Okay, so I have a problem with feeding myself....it's not that I don't like to eat. I do (that's a different problem I have). The biggest vice I have to eating healthy is that most days I'm so busy feeding everyone else around me that I leave me for last. By that time, I'm so dang hungry or desperate for a quick bite that I eat whatever is closest at hand which can be anything from Christian's half eaten sandwhich, to tortillia chips in the pantry, or yes, I have to admit the semi-sweet chocolate chips in the bag stashed out of Christian's reach.

I really do have every intention to eat something healthy and have a great breakfast in the mornings but by mid-day my resolve needs a little bit more shove.

Today I came home famished after taking the kids to the park and then on an errand. I had fed them at the park but to be honest pb&j is the thing I eat if I want to gain weight so I waited until I got home. Both kids went down for naps and I felt almost dizzy with hunger (I wonder if this happens to anyone else or if I just have a blood sugar problem). Anyway, I opened the fridge and was debating on eating totillia chips that were out or pb&j. Then I realized that in my fridge, smiling up at me was a bag of pre-washed ready to eat spinach. I grabbed a bowl and poured in a little spinach, pre-cooked bacon, feta, and some chickpeas. Ta da. A healthy lunch that was faster than any pb&j!

Lesson learned: keep your produce close to eye level in fridge!

----------
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Limbo Land

Jared is finally graduated! I'm so relieved. Being in school has seem to take forever but in retrospect it seems to have flown.

Now all we need is a job to go to. Jared has been looking in SLC but openings are scarce because nobody really wants to move from UT. He has applied in upstate NY, Southern Oregon, Maine, and AZ. We've been researching the locations and if we can't be in UT, Oregon sounds the most appealing to me The crime rate is low the housing market is reasonable, there are 216 growing days, it hardly freezes....sounds like paradise!

Now all we have to do is wait. Jared has a phone interview with Maine today so we'll see how that goes. I hate not knowing where we'll be. I'm such a planner, if we knew then I could start house-hunting, looking for preschools, and figure out transfering my licensure.

Ahhh! Please everyone pray for us. That's pretty much all I can do right now. I just hope that we can be in a good place to raise our kids....at least for the next five years or so.
----------
Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Something healthy, easy and delicious…

I’ve been meaning to post this recipe for a while as it is one of my favorites and is really healthy.  When we lived with the 93-year-old woman who’s son and DIL were on their mission, part of the deal was that we have Sunday dinner together every week and then have the same thing for Monday night and then have a weekly game of scrabble.  She made the salads which was really great because I honestly hate to chop.  It has something to do with being a klutz and needing my fingers intact to play the violin…  So anyway, she introduced us to some very interesting, some very boring and some delicious recipes in the 18 months we lived there.  This recipe is by far my favorite one that she shared (I honestly am addicted).   I changed it around a little (as I do almost everything I cook).  What I really like to do with this is double it and have it for dinner and then for lunch the next day.  For those of you on diets, this is full of protein, fiber and good oils.  Bon appétit. 

 

White Bean Tuna Salad

2-3 Servings

-1 can white beans rinsed and drained well (or you can use dried that you’ve soaked overnight and boiled for at least an hour though I usually do two).

-1 can tuna  (Preferably Italian in Olive oil)

-1 cup of parsley, fresh, chopped (or to taste I usually only do about 1/4 cup)

-1/4 cup finely diced red onion (green onions are good too and then you only need 1-2 chopped)

Dressing:

-3 Tbs olive oil

-2 Tbs lemon juice

-salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Rinse beans in colander until no foam appears.  Let drain, pat dry  with paper towels.

2. Drain oil from tuna and discard; put tuna in mixing bowl.

3. Add beans chopped parsley, onion, and gently combine.

4. In small bowl, whisk olive oil and lemon juice.  Gently mix dressing into salad.  Season to taste with salt and pepper.

5.  Will stay good in refrigerator for a day or two.