Sizing Myself

So, I’ve been thinking ( a lot) lately that I would really  LOVE to be into my regular pre-pregnancy clothes.  I keep watching “What Not To Wear” (yes, this is how I spend my Friday nights) and I think… “Well, I could pull of that look with such and such that I have in a bin under my bed”….  I hate it that I have been so many sizes in my life. 

I actually have worn more sizes than I’ve actually been because I was so embarrassed by my body from about age eleven to seventeen that I would wear pants from the men’s section and incredibly large T-shirts for my frame in order to hide every single curve I might have had.  I am so glad that in my junior year of high school I started realizing that I should wear clothes I want to wear even if I might not have a perfect body.  I started wearing clothes that were actually my size, and started looking instantly smaller. 

Someone had mentioned that I had somewhat of a tummy when I was eleven (when I really just needed better posture) and I did all kinds of exercise programs to “get skinny” which never happened but I was in actually in pretty good shape. I just didn’t happen to have a pretty shape (due to scoliosis that never was diagnosed until my junior year).    Anyway, I would run around the track at the school, I’d run down the canal road behind my house, I would run everywhere that I could to get in shape.  I also weight trained and did kick-boxing.  By the time I was 20, I would run 3-5 miles 4 times a week, and alternate kick-boxing, yoga and weights on the off days.  I was pretty much a maniac.  The frustrating thing was during that whole time from sophomore year to the summer I turned 20 I never even changed sizes.  It was insane literally.  I could not get down past a size 12.

Around the time I met Jared, something magical happened I limited my self to one treat once a week (so anything sugary) and I started only working out 3 times a week.  I was having too much fun playing tennis with Jared and my running began to be substituted for tennis 2-3 times a week and I dropped all of my other workouts to be with him.  Starting at that time I started losing weight with almost no effort at all.  I was down to a size 10 by mid-July and an 8 by early September when he asked me to marry him.  I stopped working out at about that time because of the difficulty of mixing school with exercise and I miraculously fit into a size 6 wedding dress by October!

I pretty much tapered off on weight loss after that but I was incredibly comfortable with myself.  I think it’s because I could see myself as a worthwhile person who someone loved.  I wasn’t worried about what anyone really thought because I was so happy with my life and I had found a true best friend.  I was really in seventh heaven.

Fast forward a year and a half.  It turned out that I needed a spinal fusion from my sacrum to the bottom of my neck.  I was so sick after surgery that I lost about 20 lbs just from a lack of nutrition.  That was nice (in a way) but the doctor had messed with my hips to make them not have to move too much during childbirth and so I became permanently a 10 or an 8 in regular pants no matter how little weight I carried because that was my lowest weight in 20 years.

Fast forward two more years.  I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and my hips spread so much in one day that I went from a size 11 to a 16!  I got stretch marks on the side of my hips they spread so fast.

After having Christian, I slowly (and I mean slowly) went back to a comfortable size for me which was 20 lbs heavier than I started out pregnant with him.  Then we decided it was time for number two.  I steadily gained weight at an okay rate and then I had my appendectomy and couldn’t lift anything and so I gained 10 lbs in two weeks.  After that my weight gain was steady again but all-in-all I weighed 54 lbs more than I did before I ever got pregnant with Christian in the first place.   

Here I am just having had baby number two.  I watched an episode of “Martha” where her trainer mentioned that if you don’t lose the “baby-weight” within the first year after being pregnant, it will become doubly hard to get rid of the weight.  I started with the “’Special K’ Challenge”  and started working out the next day after seeing that.  I have actually lost 24 lbs since giving birth and I only need to go down another 10 to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight (from this time). 

The only thing is, I really would like to get back to the weight I was before I had Christian.  Will I get there?  I don’t know… It depends on how much motivation I can muster.  So, I’m continuing my efforts to lose 30 lbs but I’m going to post periodically about what I’m doing to lose that extra weight and maybe any fun healthy recipes that I may being using as well.

So far, I’m on the South Beach Diet and I’m doing some kind of aerobic exercise 3 times a week and some kind of strength exercise 2 days a week.  Hopefully I’ll stay motivated and get  to a place where I feel more comfortable in my skin (and most especially, my old clothes) as soon as I can (Maybe by Summer?!).

Feeling a little Lonely

I feel really guilty for the way I've been feeling. Lately, I feel really lonely. I have been blessed with resonable places to live but as of right now, I feel misplaced and I feel guilty because I know I should just be greatful.
I live 700 miles or so from where I've lived my whole life and all of my old friends and my entire family. It's not to say I haven't made any friends, but the girls I've met really aren't on the same page as me. I have the oldest child of all the girls (the next oldest is 18 months old compared to my 4-year-old), I'm younger than all but one of them, I'm the only one with two kids, and I like to craft and sew while non of them seem interested in such things. Most importantly, I don't feel like any of them are interested to invest time in building a friendship, at least with me. I know, whine, whine. I just feel like I don't belong.
I was so blessed at the University housing, there were so many girls who where interested in being moms rather than careers, and ready and willing to chat. All I had to do was walk outside to find someone to talk to. Where we're living anyone outside is outside to smoke which bothers me, so I spend my days pretty much hiding out indoors.
I am so lonely for female companionship I feel dumb about it. I understand that people are busy but I need to find a friend. I guess the real problem is the I've been so blessed with good friends in my life that when I don't I'm at a loss.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

The Painful Truth…

(Be warned, this is pretty lengthy)

Last weekend we went to the funeral services for my Aunt Susan.  It was actually quite healing in more ways than one.  I was really thankful for the opportunity to spend talking to my aunt Annette who helped me, whether she knows it or not, deal with something that has be incredibly painful to talk about since I had Christian.

When I had Christian I was all gong-ho to be the best mom I could possibly be for him.  I had read tons of parenting books and articles about everything related to parenting (not to mention all of the education and education psychology classes I’ve taken in my school carrier).  I was going to do everything right.

Things started out alright with my little boy, I gave birth they way I wanted to, and began nursing as soon as they placed him in my arms.  I had some of the usual problems with breastfeeding as we learned the how-to of latching and such, but really I felt like we were doing well.  The first few days went well.

Then Jared came down with the stomach flu.

The next day I came down with it.

Now, this was one of the worse cases of stomach flu I’d ever had but I kept nursing because that’s what every book you read says to do to protect the baby…and it must have worked because he never got it…but my milk took 6 days to come in.

I didn’t worry too much because he still had wet diapers and an explosive poop every couple days.  On his two week appointment I was freaked out to find out that he went from his birth-weight of 7 lbs 7 oz to be 6 lbs 2 oz. !!!

I felt like the most horrible mother in the world!  I had no idea I was starving my child and I felt terrible.

The doctor had me supplement with formula and come in two days later.  He was shocked that Christian had  put on a whole pound of catch-up weight, and I realized that there was really something wrong that I could nurse him for 30 minutes on the hour and he still needed formula to gain weight.  So after reading everything I had been given from the hospital about breastfeeding that promised that every woman can breastfeed. I went to a lactation consultant and rented a heavy duty pump.

This started my “pumping my life away” sessions where I would pump as often as possible after nursing Christian only to have maybe half an ounce fill the little bottle.  I read more and more and then decided that I just needed more pumping practice.  Poor Jared.  He was so patient with me.  I decided every spare minute was time for a pumping session.  I did it for probably six weeks.  We were watching “The Dark Crystal” on one of Jared’s days off when I was pumping and I realized that I was treating this like “the life essence” and it was draining the life out of me. 

Then I decided to get an SNS system which is a bottle that hangs around your neck like a necklace with little tubes that you tape to your breasts and the baby can nurse at the same time as they are getting their formula.  What a mess!  It was wonderful to bond with Christian but the whole formula dripping down my front when he’d let go was disgusting!  I actually kept this up for about four months and then decided I’d just nurse him and give him a bottle.

It was the best choice I’d made so far.

The funny thing was that Christian really loved to nurse.  I have no idea what my output was but he did swallow something and must have got something because he was the hardest little thing to wean.

So fast forward a few years to now.  After I had Vivian I put her to the breast right away.  She nursed like a champion with a great latch and everything.  Then she happily slept for two or so hours after she nursed.  Everything seemed perfect...  Until her three-day appointment when she’d lost more than 10% of her body weight.

The next few days were peppered with weight checks and supplemental formula feedings.  She never acted “bored” with breast feeding like the doctor expected her to with the added formula.  But she really did need the formula.

I asked my doctor to put me on this drug I knew caused lactation.  I started pumping like crazy.  I went to a La Leche League meeting…and then I realized…I was doing all of this stuff to make milk and if it wasn’t working the way everyone said it should there must be something going on.

The Reglan was making me apathetic to everything while just giving me a strong letdown and then nothing…and all I wanted to do was watch “What Not To Wear” when I couldn’t even put on my own clothes.  The pumping was making me irritated anytime one of the kids needed anything because I needed to pump for Vivian.  The La Leche League women made me feel like women who gave their children formula where comparable to the evil queen in Snow White, offering the poison apple.

I hated what was happening and the way I felt.  So I decided to ask Jared for a blessing.

It was the sweetest blessing I’ve ever received as a mother.  It said that Heavenly Father was proud of me and that he knew what my body was capable of doing and that what I could do and have already done was enough.

Honestly, it may sound silly, but I have shed more tears over this breastfeeding problem of mine more than anything else since I became a mother.  It has been so painful to me to hear women bash other women who don’t breastfeed their children or read pro-breastfeeding articles that talk about how ‘rare’ it is not to be able to breastfeed.  I would love more than anything to not have to worry about bottles to be washed and formula to buy and mix.  It sounds like a blissful dream to not have to worry about how much I need to prepare for the next feeding.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have hypoplastic breasts which I stumbled across the definition by the baby center one day when I’d been nursing Christian for quite some time. Supposedly only 3% of women have this problem.  The thing that really bothers me though is 3% is 3 in 100.  That’s not that rare is it?  It’s not like 1 in 60,000 or something like some of the diseases that they do the heel prick test for in infants.

Anyway, last weekend I talked to my aunt about my problem as I pulled out a bottle after I finished nursing Vivian and she was totally sweet about it.  I had to laugh when she talked about the “breastfeeding brigade” of women who act like giving your baby formula is close to sin.  It was also really comforting to hear that my grandma gave her children bottles soon after 6 weeks because she just couldn’t make enough.  I think my aunts and uncles are some of the most intelligent people I know so maybe women who don’t breast fed don’t have idiots for children like some things I’ve read would like you to believe.  She also mentioned that she’d actually read an article about women who didn’t make enough milk but didn’t want to ‘taint’ their children with formula and their children actually starved to death.

I am so glad I talked to her. My older sister has been telling me for the past month that it’s really okay that I can’t breastfeed exclusively and it’s really nice to have someone else say the same thing too.  It’s very painful that many times when I see women in my ward  they ask me how breastfeeding is going.  Honestly, isn’t that a little personal?  Most of the time I give them the truth but honestly, I feel hot tears pushing at the back of my eyelids every time I say it.  I know they mean well, but it’s a painful topic for me.

Really, I’m relieved that I have some idea of what’s going on with me.  I have decided that I just need to do my best and my best is not everyone’s best so I’ll just breastfeed and supplement until the day when either I dry completely or Vivian no longer has an interest.

It’s really the only thing I can do.  I wish things were different, but they’re not and there really is nothing I can do about it.  So, I’ll have my cry and move on and enjoy my babies by getting to know them for who they are not for what a perfect mom I can be to them.  Besides, the most important thing about being a mom is my children and doing the best I can for them.

Baby Love…

Christian LOVES Vivian.  I’m so glad though sometimes I wonder when some rivalry will pop up.   Christian keeps praying “bless that my baby sister will grow really fast so that I can play with her”.  It’s really adorable and I can see how frustrating it must be for him to have waited all this time to meet her and all she does is sleep and eat (well, at least she sleeps until Christian wakes her up).  Today I came in the room to find this…

I guess he decided that he didn’t need for her to grow up to play some games with him!

Hope in dark times…

I just found a paper with a note I wrote from something Elder Ringwood told us when he was released as our Stake President that is comforting when times get rough.

"During trials, covenants keep us endowed with power; and we will be given what we need when we need it."

Elder Ringwood then told a story about when his children were in Australia and were in a terrible boating accident, where they were hit by a boat when riding a water weenie, while he was away.  Afterwards the doctors thought that that they should be dead and one of them was given a blessing and in the blessing it was said that because of the covenants that their parents had kept that those children were preserved.

That story makes me want to be very good just to make sure that my children might have a little bit more heavenly help when they may need it.  I’m so thankful for the gospel that gives me strength when I need it.

The other day I was having a terrible time making an important decision that I really needed to make sooner than later.  Jared gave me a Priesthood blessing to help me know what to do and it really reaffirmed my conviction that Heavenly Father really knows me, knows what I’ve been through, and what I’m capable of.  That He doesn’t ask more than what I’m capable of because He can pick up the slack if I’ll let Him but it’s up to me to allow that to happen.  I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood that is available to each of His son’s and daughter’s if they ask.  I am also incredibly grateful that I was blessed with the best, most sweet, kind, patient,  and good husband in the world who is worthy to call upon Heavenly Father and offer the blessings He has for our family .  I am so thrilled that I can be with Jared forever!

There is nothing like the strength the gospel of Jesus Christ can give those who chose to follow him.  Though life is difficult, the hope the gospel brings to me is such a beacon in my life.  I hope that my children will understand the happiness that comes of trying to choose the right.

Ponderings...

So I've been trying to get into the natural groove of things. It's now been three week since I gave birth to Vivian and I still haven't taken the time to write down her birth story...

...apparently it takes awhile to write and recall 27 hours of labor. Overall I think things went well with the hypnosis until I reached a 7 and stayed there from 2 am until 7 am. She was poisterior so I labored in my back and it was not fun though manageable as long as I focused. I sat on the balance ball and tried swiveling my hips until at 6:45 I finally felt her flip which was actually kind of a weird but I knew when it happened because sensations in my back became less intense. I'll give a more detailed report along with my thoughts on hypnobabies later when it can be more detailed...

...So far, she is an incredibly sweet little baby. She cries a lot less than I remember last time... but maybe I know how to deal with crying better than I did last time. Everyone who sees me tells me how good I look... I think this is because I'm sleeping more than I did the last month or so... I credit that to less bathroom use.

I am honestly feeling so much better than last time I think I might do this baby thing again and not as spread apart as last time. It's so fun to have a baby to cuddle again. All the night wakings don't seem like such a big deal now. I think perhaps I've gotten more used to having most of my time being used by taking care of my children so I'm sure I've had a paradigm shift since I became a mother and after all I did for my tiny baby I never felt like he cared about me at all. Maybe because I expected to give, give, give without receiving that my outlook on mothering has changed. Maybe it's just because I have my big boy who is fun and we have fun together and love each other and so it's not so hard to have a baby who's only focus is her needs....Maybe it's just a learning curb. Who knows?



I've been thinking about the sacrifices a mother gives for her children that are emotional, physical and mental...even women who can't have children and it's amazing. Fathers of course sacrifice a lot too but just giving birth alone is a very interesting sacrifice. Some women do it multiple times and it's amazing to me the work that goes into raising a child. Every child is some one's baby that survived through the sacrifices of someone which makes the worth of a soul so much more tangible to me. I love my children so much. I am so grateful for the sacrifices of the generations that came before me so that I could hold my babies in my arms.

Christian is the most elated boy to have this baby sister of his. The first thing he wants to know in the morning is how his baby sister is and where she is. All of his prayers ask Heavenly Father to make his baby sister grow up fast so that he can play with her. I really believe that he promised her in Heaven that he would make sure she wasn't forgotten and that he'd get mom and dad to have her. He's the one that always asked for a baby sister. It makes me wonder if this is a glimpse of the way the Savior feels towards us and why He was willing to sacrifice for us. It makes it much more meaningful that we are Heavenly Father's babies and that our Elder Brother was so in love with us He was willing to do the Father's will.

Musical Magic?

So I think I have rebellion issues… I am an Instrumental Music Education Major.  I have graduated and though I’m not teaching right now, I could (if I lived in Utah).  So anyway, I have a really difficult time having a desire to be labeled “musical” at church…  I have a really good reason for this and it comes to disliking being sprung upon for “instantaneous musical numbers” at the drop of the hat.  Yes, I really can do it, but do I want to?  Not really.

So for the primary program the primary chorister was so scared of “A Child’s Prayer” and getting the kids to sing two parts at once that I told her I could help if she needed it.  She took this as a volunteer to sing a duet with the kids.  It actually turned out nice.  There were four darling girls from the Spanish Branch that sang the first part and I sang the lower part (now I’m like a rock-star to those girls which is kind of fun).

Well, since I sung a primary song, everyone in the ward has decided that I can sing. Hmmm… yes, I have been in choirs and sung lots and lots but there is a real huge reason why I chose instrumental over vocal which I may get more into at a later date.

I got an invitation when I got back from Thanksgiving to sing in a “special group” for the ward Christmas program.  It was actually mailed to me and seemed like something fun to do while I wait for this baby to bake and one way to actually get out of the house when Jared is home so I can just be me.

So I went to the first practice, the pieces are easy so it’s not a big deal.  Then the choir director hands me a piece of music afterwards for me to play a violin solo.  *cough* Wonderful!  I now have a reason to practice while I’m feeling like I’m being punished from the inside out…

Last night I went to the last practice before the day and the choir director looks at me and announces to everyone (including me…surprise!) that I’m going to sing one of the verses as a solo!  Thanks for the warning.  I may have musical training but really…do I want to play a solo and sing one too?  Good grief!!

And what in the world do you say when everyone is there and listening to you get a part in such a manner?  I feel really stuck and unprepared, annoyed and kind of put upon.  So I sang the part to practice and then he starts making comments about my breathing…etc.  “Ahem, I am 36 weeks pregnant.  I am being kicked in various places at random moments”.  He looked at me in a funny way.  You know, I doubt that a woman who has ever been pregnant would even suggest that I be in the program at all.

Everyone keeps telling me not to “pop” yet…until after the program.  I’m not worried, I’ve had braxton hicks like crazy almost every night but Christian was late so I figure I’m a slow baker.  What I do feel like is that I’m a giant belly walking around rather than a woman who just happens to be pregnant.  I guess people just want something to say to me so they feel it’s okay to make annoying comments about how “ready” I look or that “you’re making them nervous just watching you touch your belly” (not that I haven’t heard it a dozen times a day when I go out in public).  The touching my stomach one bugs me the most, there’s not really a reason why me touching my stomach should make them nervous (it really means I’m just trying to breath since my baby loves putting her feet in my ribs), it’s not like I’m suddenly going to drop on the floor and birth my baby right there.

Sorry for the rant, hopefully everything will go well on Sunday and then I won’t have to think about singing or performing for months and months because once my baby gets here, I’m taking a hiatus from such things because though music may sound “magical” it’s not really magic to put together…. it’s mostly just focused effort.