Ponderings...

So I've been trying to get into the natural groove of things. It's now been three week since I gave birth to Vivian and I still haven't taken the time to write down her birth story...

...apparently it takes awhile to write and recall 27 hours of labor. Overall I think things went well with the hypnosis until I reached a 7 and stayed there from 2 am until 7 am. She was poisterior so I labored in my back and it was not fun though manageable as long as I focused. I sat on the balance ball and tried swiveling my hips until at 6:45 I finally felt her flip which was actually kind of a weird but I knew when it happened because sensations in my back became less intense. I'll give a more detailed report along with my thoughts on hypnobabies later when it can be more detailed...

...So far, she is an incredibly sweet little baby. She cries a lot less than I remember last time... but maybe I know how to deal with crying better than I did last time. Everyone who sees me tells me how good I look... I think this is because I'm sleeping more than I did the last month or so... I credit that to less bathroom use.

I am honestly feeling so much better than last time I think I might do this baby thing again and not as spread apart as last time. It's so fun to have a baby to cuddle again. All the night wakings don't seem like such a big deal now. I think perhaps I've gotten more used to having most of my time being used by taking care of my children so I'm sure I've had a paradigm shift since I became a mother and after all I did for my tiny baby I never felt like he cared about me at all. Maybe because I expected to give, give, give without receiving that my outlook on mothering has changed. Maybe it's just because I have my big boy who is fun and we have fun together and love each other and so it's not so hard to have a baby who's only focus is her needs....Maybe it's just a learning curb. Who knows?



I've been thinking about the sacrifices a mother gives for her children that are emotional, physical and mental...even women who can't have children and it's amazing. Fathers of course sacrifice a lot too but just giving birth alone is a very interesting sacrifice. Some women do it multiple times and it's amazing to me the work that goes into raising a child. Every child is some one's baby that survived through the sacrifices of someone which makes the worth of a soul so much more tangible to me. I love my children so much. I am so grateful for the sacrifices of the generations that came before me so that I could hold my babies in my arms.

Christian is the most elated boy to have this baby sister of his. The first thing he wants to know in the morning is how his baby sister is and where she is. All of his prayers ask Heavenly Father to make his baby sister grow up fast so that he can play with her. I really believe that he promised her in Heaven that he would make sure she wasn't forgotten and that he'd get mom and dad to have her. He's the one that always asked for a baby sister. It makes me wonder if this is a glimpse of the way the Savior feels towards us and why He was willing to sacrifice for us. It makes it much more meaningful that we are Heavenly Father's babies and that our Elder Brother was so in love with us He was willing to do the Father's will.

Musical Magic?

So I think I have rebellion issues… I am an Instrumental Music Education Major.  I have graduated and though I’m not teaching right now, I could (if I lived in Utah).  So anyway, I have a really difficult time having a desire to be labeled “musical” at church…  I have a really good reason for this and it comes to disliking being sprung upon for “instantaneous musical numbers” at the drop of the hat.  Yes, I really can do it, but do I want to?  Not really.

So for the primary program the primary chorister was so scared of “A Child’s Prayer” and getting the kids to sing two parts at once that I told her I could help if she needed it.  She took this as a volunteer to sing a duet with the kids.  It actually turned out nice.  There were four darling girls from the Spanish Branch that sang the first part and I sang the lower part (now I’m like a rock-star to those girls which is kind of fun).

Well, since I sung a primary song, everyone in the ward has decided that I can sing. Hmmm… yes, I have been in choirs and sung lots and lots but there is a real huge reason why I chose instrumental over vocal which I may get more into at a later date.

I got an invitation when I got back from Thanksgiving to sing in a “special group” for the ward Christmas program.  It was actually mailed to me and seemed like something fun to do while I wait for this baby to bake and one way to actually get out of the house when Jared is home so I can just be me.

So I went to the first practice, the pieces are easy so it’s not a big deal.  Then the choir director hands me a piece of music afterwards for me to play a violin solo.  *cough* Wonderful!  I now have a reason to practice while I’m feeling like I’m being punished from the inside out…

Last night I went to the last practice before the day and the choir director looks at me and announces to everyone (including me…surprise!) that I’m going to sing one of the verses as a solo!  Thanks for the warning.  I may have musical training but really…do I want to play a solo and sing one too?  Good grief!!

And what in the world do you say when everyone is there and listening to you get a part in such a manner?  I feel really stuck and unprepared, annoyed and kind of put upon.  So I sang the part to practice and then he starts making comments about my breathing…etc.  “Ahem, I am 36 weeks pregnant.  I am being kicked in various places at random moments”.  He looked at me in a funny way.  You know, I doubt that a woman who has ever been pregnant would even suggest that I be in the program at all.

Everyone keeps telling me not to “pop” yet…until after the program.  I’m not worried, I’ve had braxton hicks like crazy almost every night but Christian was late so I figure I’m a slow baker.  What I do feel like is that I’m a giant belly walking around rather than a woman who just happens to be pregnant.  I guess people just want something to say to me so they feel it’s okay to make annoying comments about how “ready” I look or that “you’re making them nervous just watching you touch your belly” (not that I haven’t heard it a dozen times a day when I go out in public).  The touching my stomach one bugs me the most, there’s not really a reason why me touching my stomach should make them nervous (it really means I’m just trying to breath since my baby loves putting her feet in my ribs), it’s not like I’m suddenly going to drop on the floor and birth my baby right there.

Sorry for the rant, hopefully everything will go well on Sunday and then I won’t have to think about singing or performing for months and months because once my baby gets here, I’m taking a hiatus from such things because though music may sound “magical” it’s not really magic to put together…. it’s mostly just focused effort.

Hey Good Lookin'! What's Cookin'?

My parents are coming for a few days starting today. Last night Jared and I cooked up a storm to prepare for their stay. Hopefully that way we will be able to focus on doing things with them rather than spending a couple of hours in the kitchen a day.

I love cooking with Jared. I am so glad that he is willing to help me in the kitchen. Usually I end up feeling like a director because he just asks me what to do and then he does it... I have to be careful not to tell him more than one task to do at a time or he gets annoyed because he doesn't know which to do first. I usually do a couple things at a time so things can be ready at the same time. It is so nice that he will help me anyway. I always feel so close to him emotionally when we can do "projects" together.. I guess it's because we really are acting as partners rather than two different people with two different goals. I've been thinking that's probably why bishop Cope use to tell us that having a child together really binds you together to make a cohesive couple--because you now have a very real tangable responsibility and (hopefully) the same goals about how to raise your child.

I so grateful that Jared will cook with me and that we can be partners together... Maybe that's part of why we needed to move, so that we could become more dependant on each other and spend more time together.
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Thoughts on Having a Number Two…

As anyone knows Christian and this new baby will be almost four (4) whole years apart.  Give or take a couple of weeks.  The spacing between them has been partly because we felt we should make sure we actually would have an income and insurance before heading into our second round of parenting and the other reason is…I have a very vivid memory of what was going through my head as Christian was born…

“Women who have more than one child are Masochistic!”

So, perhaps I am a little masochistic!  Or maybe I do have some memory loss…Or maybe I really have been craving that sweet baby smell and the cuddles and the rush of excitement when my baby learns something new…  Who knows?  I really haven’t felt some spiritual pull this time…not like last time at all.

I have however had a 3-year-old tell me over hundreds of times “I want a baby sister”.

Last night while Christian was dancing around the kitchen, I noticed that the length of his T-shirt was soon going to be more of a belly shirt.  So I commented that it was time to retire his shirt.  Christian just smiled and said…

“I guess we’ll just have to have another boy so that he can wear this shirt.”

I’m still wondering how the sibling rivalry thing will work out once his baby sister shows up!

I really never have thought very hard about how many kids I want.  I know I want what I can handle but how will I know until I have reached my absolute limit?  I have been planning on taking each child on one at a time and then I see when I can’t take it any more.  Who knows?  After I give birth this time, I may never want to try again (especially considering the level of sick I felt for months this time)!  I also have a little of what’s called “survivors guilt” where I feel so bad for my different friends who’ve lost babies or who just can’t get pregnant…then it makes me wonder, “If I’m having a baby myself, am I hurting my friends?”  or if I don’t have more children, “Am I doing something wrong or hurtful but not wanting another?”…I guess this is why we’re all given agency and have to figure out what is the best for us and our family.

I have been training with my Hypno-babies CD’s and they are helping me to feel so much more positive about birthing in general.  My favorite CD is the “Joyful Pregnancy Affirmations”.  You are supposed to listen to it every single day to help your mind-set become a more positive one.  It makes me feel much more optimistic about how things will be for my birthing.  When I was preparing to have Christian I was so positive about how things would be…until I was driven positively crazy by people wondering and calling and coming over asking “Where’s the baby?” when I was two weeks over due.  In the hypno-babies workbook and on the support group, there’s a lot of talk about how stress can prolong your labor let alone delivery.  My favorite affirmation this time is “Babies are born on their birthdays, not when doctors decide”.  This is what I wanted for last time…but after about a dozen or so phone calls and a few knocks on my door each day I felt so pressured to have my baby that I just went ahead and was induced.  So, if I haven’t had the baby yet, please don’t ask…

I’ll let you know when I know!  [And if you’re annoying enough to ask me before I tell you, maybe I won’t when it does happen ;)]

I’m actually planning on having the baby around January 27th because then it can share a Birthday with Mozart and one of my best friends!

Really, I want my baby to come when it’s the right time for her to come.  I read my Grandma’s history and learned that all but one of her babies were born late—maybe some people just are slow bakers.  Who knows?  Christian wasn’t a large baby.  He was actually pretty average (though he was 21.5” long).

I’m honestly a little less nervous in some ways for this baby and a little more in other ways.  I have lots of “plans” for decorating and preparing her nursery, but as the days go by I’m less inclined to nest and more inclined to revel in my time not having a tiny baby to care for.  Weird huh?  I guess I know more what I’m headed for and I’m relishing sleeping (mostly) through the night and being able to go to the restroom without figuring out how to keep the baby safe (especially from a well-meaning big brother) while I take a minute to myself.

I’m still as picky as ever about what I want for the nursery…the only problem is, there really isn’t anything that I’ve found that fits the bill yet so I’m just biding my time on the look-out for something that inspires me.  I’m excited to have this baby, I’m just happy with the time that I have to prepare and not worry about her constant care yet.  If I’m taking good care of me I’m taking the best care of my baby that’s in my power.

Another concern is naming my baby.  Jared and I are both really good at coming up with names that we like that the other one does not…it’s quite frustrating.  I always feel like I got shortchanged when it comes to name meanings (a flowering shrub).  So I want my children to have names with beautiful, if not profound meanings.  Thus Christian (Follower of Christ) Nathanael (Gift).  So what in the world do I pick for a girl that I want to have a name that will help her feel lovely and important without having a stupid nick-name attached (that isn’t already taken by one of my friends)?  Very tough!

So, I’m relishing all of the time I have before this baby comes because I know it will be life changing and difficult and that I may find myself wondering (throughout any given day) what in the world I was thinking?  Girls are drama…I know that because behold…myself!  I hope that I can be the mother this baby needs and wants so that she can become the woman God intends her to become but to be honest…I’m a little scared though I am preparing to start a new adventure!

Time and Relationships

So I finally got a chance to sit down and watch Wall-E last week. The set-up in the beginning was a little tedious for me, but once they got to the space-ship and it showed the people who were constantly in front of a screen and all the kids getting taught by computers it made me realize how close to reality this comes (though if my husband was put in front of a monitor all of the time there wouldn't be any kids)! I remember reading the book "Between Husband and Wife" which is a really good book for couples, and the author points out that couples that don't have TV's have better love lives. Man I can attest to that. We didn't have a TV until we had been married four and a half years...it seems like after that time we are more bombarded with "other things" to do than to just spend time talking or being with each other.

Last night I decided to forgo my nightly "Dancing With the Stars" and I took Jared's book away from him and we just sat and talked. It was wonderful. I really love being with him and just bashing out thoughts and ideas but sometimes we get so "busy" with the "extra" things that we don't even take the time for the most important thing of all and that is being together. This pregnancy has been a strain on our relationship...not because we aren't trying...it's just been really hard on us for me not to feel very good. Thankfully though, I am suddenly starting to be huge I haven't been sick for almost two weeks (YEAH!) so that has really helped us.

It is wonderful that he finally has more "normal" hours so that we can actually see each other before it's time to go to bed and Christian has been able to spend time with his daddy too. Even though the move was difficult, especially being pregnant, and I feel a little like a lonely island that is at home all day waiting for adult contact, it's been really a good time for us to just be a family.

It reminds me of those Mormon-Ad's on TV. Family...isn't it about time?

Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

Especially ever since I started the Spring semester where I had no classes left and nothing else to do but graduate I've been feeling torn between teaching and being at home with my boy.  Because we're moving to AZ and I will have to do a lot of extra things in order to get a license there I have been debating getting my AZ license or just staying home with my boy.  It drives me crazy that everyone asks me when I'm going to start teaching.  I am very torn.

Why I'm so torn is I love teaching, I really truly do.  I love the kids.  I love figuring out various methods to convey ideas I love the moments when concepts click and student's have light-blub moments.  I also love my little boy.  I love watching him learn.  I love it when he comes to cuddle in my bed every morning to wake me up and he asks for a baby sister and we talk about little things.  This morning he was asking me why everyone has a belly button when they’re “kinda funny things”.  I was trying to explain the umbilical cord that every baby needs to give nourishment to it’s growing body when it lives inside its mommy’s tummy.

I also sometimes feel like when I’m home days go too fast as apposed to the sometimes long days I had while teaching.  It’s a difficult choice.  One thing that helps me want to be with Christian is the moments when he comes to me and holds my arm and leans into me and says “You’re the best mommy”.  What else could melt someone’s heart so completely?  So for now, I want to be with my little boy.

I'm Sick of Smelling!

For the last few weeks I have been getting really sick of our apartment. It's not that I hate it (because there are some nice things about it like "free Internet" and "free cable") but it's not the most pleasant place to live. The worse thing is that every time the people upstairs do their dishes my sink fills with stinky bubbles! It's totally gross!!! I can't stand the smell and I have to run the disposer every night and the stench just makes me gag and gag. Yuck. Everything else that already bothered me about this place like the cinder block walls just seems compounded with the negativity I feel about everything at this place. I've honestly been considering starting to pack I'm so excited to live in a place that has a nicer kitchen (everything we saw in Phoenix is 10X's better than what we've got right now) as well as real walls that I'm not fighting mold (the A.C. also has a peculiar smell which is pretty unbearable). I also can't wait to live in a place with just one more room than we have right now. I'm praying that there is an availability for a three-bedroom apartment when we move because I really need one!

So after all of my wishing I could stay in Utah I've decided that I'm more excited to get out of this apartment. This is good. If we did stay in Utah, I'd have to live here for at least another year and maybe 18 more months which I really don't know if I can take the gross factor much longer. Thank goodness Heavenly Father has my best interest in mind even though I was a little concerned that Jared wasn't offered a paid position here and only one in AZ. So, even though I'll miss my family and my friends, it may be really good for our marriage as well as our little family. We can be more cohesive as a unit and be able to create more traditions and memories just together since we've really have had a limit amount of time to actually do anything together besides family dinner each night which I pretty much have insisted on when it was reasonable.

So, at least Heavenly Father knows what I really need and right now it seems I really need to get out of this stinky apartment that causes me to gag spontaneously from the stench.